Here Thar Be Monsters!

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Summa Dat Olde Tyme Religion

Well, it's Sunday, so that means time for a sermon. I'm not in the mountains, so let's call this one, "Sermon on the Delta," in honor of the Kali Malang, or Unfortunate River.

And Jayzus said, "Seek and you shall find. Knock and it shall be opened. Ask and it shall be delivered to you."

Man looked to the Heavens and saw lots of pretty lights. Some, seven of them, moved around, so he named the days of the week after them and perceived a black curtain around the whole affair with little holes that let through the Light From Heaven. These he called stars. Being rather full of himself, he declared that the whole darned thing rolled around the Earth in several repeating patterns, which he called days, months and years. And all was good.

Later, thanks to a few wise-akers, man discovered that, WAIT!, it all really rolled around the Sun, and some of those lights had smaller lights that rolled around them. So they were persecuted and vilified and excommunicated. Then it was discovered that the Sun rolled around a galaxy, and later that the galaxy rolled around an invisible spot with a whole bunch of other galaxies, and the the whole danged mess was just one of many messes, which were all flying apart into Oblivion.

So man turned his attention to smaller things and invented toys for looking inward. There he found unseen critters, and cells, and DNA, and molecules, and atoms, and particles. Soon the inner Universe was just as big a mess as the outter, what with all those quarks and gluons and fermion, and bosons, und so wieder, ad nauseum. Can I get an Amen.

Undaunted, man kept building bigger and bigger toys to look farther and farther inward and outward, only to discover that there was more and more to find.

Thus Jayzus said, "Look and you will find." Buddha said, "Seek and the answer is there." Muhammad said, "Don't bother. It will just make you crazy."

So you see? I have absolute and unshakable faith that there is a God, and His Name is Henny Youngman. To have a sense of humor requires intelligence, and the Universe is full of humor. Everywhere you look. It's chock-full of one-liners. In fact, when our toys finally find the biggest and the smallest, both will turn out to be signs that read, "Gotcha! LOL!"

That being said, I have absolutely no faith whatsoever in any religion. You see, the Universe is God's Church. Just lay out under the stars one cool, clear night, and you will get all the healing you need. Free. No books, no priests, no buildings, no spectacles, no charge. It comes to you each and every night. And that's just one of the many building blocks of God's Chruch.

The real bullshit starts when a couple of folks get together and decide they don't want to work for a living, so they set themselves up as intermediaries to God. Ya just can't get to God without paying one of them. That's how is all works. They know all the secrets and they will tell you, for a price. Buy their self-serving books. Get their self-aggrandizing CDs and DVDs. Slowly, over the course of years, they will let you in on the secret, step by step, so you can Understand.

They sell tickets to a place that doesn't exist, so you don't go to another place that doesn't exist, commanded by someone you can't see or hear, whose ego is so fragile it require all life to eternally worship it. BUT! The trick is you can only worship in a certain way, and if you pay the priest, he or she will do it for you, and if you're luck and pay enough, they will teach you also. (buy the book and tape series for a primer)

Oh yes, I almost forgot to mention the Absolute Servitude. You must do everything the priests tell you, or you're going to Hell! (see the DVD series). And of course, they need giant mansions and private aircraft to shuttle them around the world to spread this bullshit. What? Feed the poor, clothe the naked and heal the sick? Hahahahahaha! Not when there are buildings to erect and revivals to put on! Priorities, man. Where's your head? We need to spread the (word). There are unpicked pockets yet to be explored!

Oh yeah, and if you don't believe, then you are going to Hell for all eternity. If you do believe, then run out and convert everyone you see. If they won't convert, kill 'em! Because our god is more powerful than all the other gods.


Meanwhile, over our collective head, there is an amazing Cosmic Waltz going on. Not just 7, 8, or even 9 participants, but literally KAjillions, all performing a magnificent ballet with absolutely no imput from us at all. It was all put in motion long before we invented time to measure it, and it will exist long after we have gone the way of the do-do. Swirling and gliding in endless permutations out as far as our toys can see, and much further. It doesn't need churches, it builds its own. It doesn't need money, it has its own currency. In fact, all it requires from us is to lay out on a cool, clear evening and look up. Occasionally, its nice to throw some hope and good wishes out to it, as well. They often come back, free of charge. It doesn't require priests. You can look for yourself and make your own interpretation of it in the quiet of your own heart and head.

So next time the collection plate comes around, throw in a pair of glasses with the instructions to go out and "take a look" at God. Next time the priest tells you you're going to Hell for your sins while fondling your children, remember that right outside those sacred walls is God's church. It was built without a single human hand, and nary a dollar spent.

If the Universe wasn't so perfect and awe-inspiring, there wouldn't be a need for priests who want to distract you from it. Ipso facto. Churches crumble. Religions die out. But, the Universe just keeps on spinning away, waiting for you to take a look.

Oh, and send a little Hope out there. You never know what It will give back to you.

Oh yeah, and if you have a burning desire to give away some money, just click on the PayPal link or buy my books and DVDs. Thanks!

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