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28.12.10

Prognoostications For 2011

Every year, it seems, the mentalists, soothsayers and techno-ratti all jump on the prognostications bandwagon to give us their Top 10 lists of Things To Come. Well, not being ones to miss out on a good hay-ride, we here at LFS feel obliged to dive into the fray and describe in occult terms what we see written in the stars during the coming solar orbital period.

Bear in mind that we offer no warranty, express or implied, as to the validity of any of these events or their occurrances. Your mileage may vary. MSRP based on willing suspension of disbelief.

So, without further ado, let's us begin at the end:

10) Due to a massive screw-up down at Central Casting, Prince William will marry Kate Mulgrew, rather than Kate Middleton. No one notices, since she looks more like the image on the commemorative coin than the actual intended. The queen will be overheard to say that it's probably all for the best, since it will bring badly needed genetic diversity to the royal breed-stock. The morning after the wedding, newspapers worldwide will carry photos of the royal blood-stained sheet hung from the balcony of the royal bedchamer, proving once and for all that chicken blood and human blood DO look alike from a distance. Booking agents will immediately begin taking bets on the hour and minute of the royal conception. With any luck, the British subjects will yet again bear the cost of another royal party to which they are not invited. Prince Phillip and Prince Charles will be seen at the royal reception getting drunk in a corner and talking about the way things could have been if they were king. All the tattle-rags will care about is that Princess Fergie has gained 3 stone again.

9) Barak H. Obama, or whatever his name is, will still be president. Despite four years and millions of dollars spent preventing the release of a $20 certificate, obama will remain in the Hot Seat. In celebration, he will double the number of roual, oops, presidential vacations to 34, since plane wrecks really don't need a pilot to happen. Michelle will continue to have the top clothiers in the world design minimalist dresses that make her appear to shop at the Salvation Army. Yves Saint Laurent will be heard to quip that his designs back in the 70s had more panache. The Obama children will continue to attend elite private schools due to 'security concerns.' No one will notice, since that's what's expected for royalty, oops, presidents. Meanwhile, the 27th and 28th Social Security numbers for a 'Barak H. Obama' will be found, issued during Sarah Palin's governorship.

8) The Bush family will take up permanent residence on their sprawling estate in Paraguay. Since the country has no extradition treaty with the US, and the land sits atop the country's largest fresh water aquifer, the family will immediately feel right to home. 'Mumsy' and 'PawPaw' will encourage 'Shrub' to pursue his fascination with water and boards, with their new neighbors who were all helped to escape post-war Germany by 'Pappy' Prescott. The Twins will open their own cantina and strip-club, and begin producing a series of hit videos called, "Bush Gone Wild!" An unauthorized biography of the family will appear under the title, "Wide-Open Bush," by an unknown author using the nom-de-guerre, "Harry Clamso." Another book titled, "Bush and Dick: The Hidden Story," about the relationship of the former prez and veep, will rocket to the top of the New York Times best-seller list. It will detail what these two men did to the country and somehow be related to the tittle, though how is unclear, as of yet.

7) Julian Assange will be convicted of conscentual rape. The two female CIA assets will present multiple witnesses who clearly heard them say the word, "No," at breakfast the next morning, thereby converting the act into ex-post-facto rape. This will happen in spite of the 37 witnesses who were also at the orgy testifying that neither woman appeared to be refusing 'any one' in attendance. This will have a chilling effect on male-female relationships throughout the Western hemisphere, with a concomitant drop in birth-rates within months of the conviction. The radical feminist group, Lesbians Against the Y Chromasone, will hail the decision as a landmark victory for women everywhere. Sales of marital aids will jump 700% almost overnight. However, numerous lawsuits will begin cropping up against the manufacturers of the devices, claiming the plaintiffs were victimized 'in abscentia' by the male porn stars whose assets were used as models.

6) Pope Benedict XVI will die. The autopsy will reveal that he was the second cousin of Nazi financier Martin Boermann, which will lead to, among other things, a worldwide call for an audit of the Vatican Bank. Meanwhile, his successor, a Jewish convert and native Roman, will be elected and will take the name Peter II. This will cause Catholics throughout the world to believe the 'end is nigh,' based on the prophesy of St. Malachy, and they will begin selling all of their worldly goods. The result of one billion Catholics selling all they have will cause the price of everything to collapse in a deflationary sprial, which in turn is blamed on the Roman chruch, which leads to a pogrom against Catholics, which fulfills yet more prophesies, which leads to the rise of the Anti-Christ, who takes over Jerusalem and claims it as the capitol of the world. Nobody is paying much attention when the 12th Imam arrives.

5) Bruce Willis is cast in the lead of a remake of the classic Burt Lancaster vehicle, "Mr. 501." He plays a character names Bernard vonNothaus, who is captured and convicted of starting a rival currency to the Federal Reserve Note, which is backed by gold and silver in a Montana vault. Some say it is based on a true story, however no one can actually recall seeing a real "Liberty dollar." Meanwhile, John Travola is cast as Anton Lavey and Tom Cruise gets tapped to play L. Ron Hubbard, in the sequel to "Eyes Wide Shut," called "Jack Parson's Laboratory." Set against the dawn of the space age, Leonardo di Caprio plays the title character in this sensitive retelling of the founding of Jet Propulsion Laboratories (JPL). It receives widespread critical acclaim and plays to packed houses of Satanists, Neo-pagans and Goths. JK Rowling calls it, "Bigger than Harry!"

4) NAMBLA wins a major discrimination suit against the US government. The age of consent is immediately lowered to 10 months. Child Protective Services is disbanded so that they can enjoy their new-found freedom of expression. "Reach Out And Touch" parties spring up in major metropolitan areas, officiated by Catholic priests. European royalty celebrate with massive recruitment campaigns across Asia. Julian Assange is quoted in Rolling Stone as saying, "Damn! Twenty-five will get you twelve, but twelve will get you off." He is praised for the quality and subtlty of his double entendre. The head of Texas' CPS is quoted in the Des Moines Register as saying, "Finally, we don't have to steal people's children under the color of law to have our way with them!"

3) A 14-year-old Australian boy, who received a telescope for Christmas, spots an reddish-yellow object twice the size of Earth, just beyond the orbit of Jupiter. His subsequent observations show its ephemerous will bring it perilously close to Earth around December 2012. The tabloid press dub it 'Nebiriu,' but no one else pays much attention.

2) Silver will skyrocket to $150/oz. by the end of January. The metal's use in just about everything electronic, plus its health benefits, plus its re-emerging monetary value, combined with the fact there is less of it in tangible form than gold, cause a massive run-up in price. Saint John Hunt, son of E. Howard, is quoted as saying, "I wish I had all the silver dad used to own back in the 80s. I could prove JFK was the victim of a conspiracy then." JPMorganChase files for bankrupcy on March 1, which is immediately called, "TEOTWAWKI," by the MainStreamMedia, and hailed as, "The greatest moment in modern history," by Max Kaiser.

And the number one prediction for 2011?

1) "Life on the Far Side" will become the second-most Googled search term just behind "Jesse Ventura for President 2012."

Jesse's response? "I will finally get to fly again, since I don't have to deal with those TSA bastards on Air Force One."

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