Here Thar Be Monsters!

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2012: The Predilection Issue

The radio shack just moments before the fire
Well, here it is, nearly noon on the first day of 2012.  We had fun last night talking to people in another year.  Not often one gets to time travel so dramatically.  In fact, it only happens once a year, so far.

We had a raucous celebration here at the FSWHQ.  I managed to get a bottle of Chivas Regal 43.7 kilometers into the jungle without the monkeys stealing it.  The fireworks set the radio shack on fire.  Thankfully, we have backup satellite connections the next village over.

So, the world's still here.  Iran test fired a missile, the US Air Force bought more drones (since they work so well), the Egyptian military junta is still raping and pillaging, gold was up, markets were down, the euro is still collapsing, the Greeks are trying to outdo the Italians while pitting their Goldbar Sacks trustee presidents against each other in mortal combat, Los Angeles is on fire, Chicago delivery guys are getting robbed by cell phone users, PETA wants to erect a monument to dead cows, OWS is pulling an Animal House gag by building a rogue Rose Parade float, Bammy is signing laws despite 'grave concerns,' his wife is spending millions to get $3 donations, and some guy in Texas walked into the airport with a bomb.

God I love Texas.

In other words, everything is business as usual here on the third rock from an average sun.

It should be an interesting year, though.  In fact, it's time for our annual ritual of predicting the future.  Pretty much all of our predictions last year came true, so no reason to expect this year will be any different.  So here goes...

1) Kate and Willy will have yet another inbred mouth to feed on the backs of the British people who, despite centuries of abuse, still support a useless monarchy.  I predict they will get more of the same this year.

2) The euro will finally collapse causing Germany to get upset at all the disorder and people throwing trash on the ground.  They will institute the Fourth Reich and make everyone sit down and behave themselves or else!

3) Ron Paul will be elected president as an independent with Jesse Ventura as his veep.  He'll move into the White House, only to find that Bammy and Michelle stole all the silverware and linens.  Bammy's spokesman, Reggie Love (wasn't that an Eddie Murphy character?), will be quoted as saying, "We hope that changes things."

4) Gold will become the Most Valuable Object In The World (MVOITW) until everyone discovers that the Vatican has been making it with alchemy for centuries, causing prices to crash and Ron Paul to look worried as he tries to figure out some other standard to base the dollar on.

5) The New World Order will become Old News as folks realize that it's the same old crap the Euro-trash idle rich have been trying to foist on the world since the 1100s.  Furthermore, people will wake up and realize that it's like the game of Simon only works if the players follow along.

6) Throughout 2012, there will be earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, and volcanoes, but folks will wise up and move away from the shorelines and off the mountain slopes, so no one will die and life will go on as usual.

7) A new form of generator will be launched on the market that uses no fuel, has no moving parts and costs $100 for a lifetime supply of electricity.  The former CEOs of oil companies will be marching in Washington demanding an increase in Social Security benefits, since all their wealth was tied up in stock options, which have become worthless.  The execs of BP will be thrown in jail for life for crimes against humanity.

Monowi, Neb.: Nest of Vipers
8) It will be revealed that Fukishima was planned as revenge on the US for Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  In California, people will become kind of dopey and nutty from the long-term effects of radiation exposure, but no one will notice, since they've always pretty much been that way.  Beachcombing will become the new fad on the west coast, as people gather up the flotsam and jetsam from Japan to build foreclosure-proof houses.  They will have the added benefit of not needing electricity, since the glow is enough to read by at night, and the radiation makes pretty patterns on the plasma screens that goes great with a couple of bowls of sinsemilla.

9) The idiotic feds will find a hotbed of terrorist activity in Monowi, Nebraska (pop. 1) and proceed to bomb the daylights out of it for three months as a way to burn off surplus munitions that are building up after all the wars have ended.  The Pentagon will refuse to cancel long-term contracts with the military-industrial complex, because someone somewhere might look cross-eyed at the US, thus needing a little Monowi Shock and Awe.

10) Israel will attempted to attack Iran, but Iran will have already hacked into the on-board computers in the Israel's fighter jets, causing them all to land dead center in the middle of Afghanistan, where the pilots are forced to try and talk their way out of THAT situation.  Meanwhile, a decree signed by Julius Caesar granting Palestine full autonomy will be found in a catacomb deep beneath Rome, forcing the UN to recognize that the only authentic historical documents in existance make no mention of Israel ever having existed before 1948.  Tel Aviv declares Sharia Law and immediately all the shops have sales on yamulkas.  The Vatican will open a branch office on Temple Mount.

A cheeky monkey
So, those are our predictions, and we're sticking to 'em.  We predict that 98% of them will come true, we just don't know which 98%, so caveat emptor.

We may be staying here at the jungle headquarters of the Far Side.  Dodging cheeky monkeys seems a damn sight easier than dodging falling drones.  Besides, it's hard to beat having two wives giving me a massage, while one fans me and another feeds me dragon fruit sorbet made fresh with the new ice machine I just installed, a la Mosquito Coast.

Happy New Year 2012, and remember, TSA can smell fear...  Oh, and something else to keep in mind: there's only one letter different between 'money' and 'monkey.'

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