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31.12.12

2013 - The Predilection Issue

Welcome once again to our world-famous Predilection Issue.  Now, most folks around this time make predictions, but really what they are doing is forecasting trends, not predicting.  So we figure the better term is 'predilection'.

That said, we're pretty much always right since we correctly define the terms.  Clear and precise thinking leads to clear and precise predictions of future events.  Keep in mind that predilections are only good for a year or so into the future, after that, you're on your own.

So, we dim the lights, light up a good cohiba and stare into the crystal decanter, which happens to be loaded with top-notch single-malt scotch this year, thus we have high confidence in this year's report.  Last year, it was only rot-gut Manado vodka, yet we were still right, so it can only get better with the right jet fuel.

Our first prediction is that the word LIBOR will become a household word, but not in the sense of the British bankster class.  Rather, it will be in the sense of folks calling in sick worldwide to protest the fact that governments everywhere are sucking up as much as 90% of folks' incomes.  Libor, meaning 'free', will come to define the practice of folks just saying, "F^ck it," and refusing to work for Da Man ever again.  Black market economies will spring up like weeds in grandma's garden.  In the US, the gummint will fight the black market by saying it is a racial slur and prosecuting people under the hate crimes laws.

Three-D printers will become all the rage as folks find out they can print guns with them.  That will last for about six months till some genius realizes that printing a gun and printing ammo are two very different problems.  A lot of folks will end up with nifty wall displays, since the plastic guns aren't even heavy enough to use as clubs.  In China, they'll come up with the brilliant idea of printing knives, which are far more effective.  In the US, it will become fashionable to be seen with at least one name-brand sub-machine gun.  In Milan, gun holsters will become all the rage.

In Paris, it will be too dark at night to care what anyone else is wearing, as the lights go out for austerity.  Tours will promote "Paris - the City of Dark" and start talking about how romantic it is that way.  All the famous art museums will close at sunset, since you can't see a damn thing after that.  The Paris Opera will only have matinee performances...after they install the skylights.  The Eifel Tower will be destroyed by a jet on landing approach to Charles DeGalle, since the pilots couldn't see the damn thing in the dark.  Impressionism will see a resurgence because, hey, Monet was blind too!

Marijuana will become (once again) a global rage.  Laws will be cancelled, enforcement will die off, and folks will return to mental and physical health as usage of the plant becomes 'norml' again.  Until some nut job gummint employee in the US remembers that his best drug experiences were in Arab-speaking countries, where 'qif' and 'hashish' are commonplace.  Then the gummint will launch a major attack on pot-smokers because they support Islamic terrorists by enjoying a little Mother Nature.  Doesn't matter that it was grown in Joe Six-Spleefs backyard in Eagle Pass, Colorado.  Hollywood, lacking any other good ideas, will do a remake of "Reefer Madness" and scare the hell out of everyone once again, only this time, instead of being used by musicians and black people, it will be Muslims and anyone who hollers at the top of their lungs before dawn.

In space news, Congo will join the 100-mile high club by launching a refrigerator, which will be bigger (of course) than North Korea's washing machine.  In response, North Korea will launch six rockets to the Moon, which will land on each and ever Apollo landing site and erase Neil's footprint.  The US will have caniption fits, but the world will point to the fact that they are signatories to the UN Space Treaty which prevents gummints from claiming territory on heavenly bodies.  The feminists will latch on to that argument and claim that all marriages to good-looking women are thus null and void.  But really they're only angry that no one would marry them because they're too ugly and pushy.  Meanwhile, NASA will continue to release photos of ancient ruins on Mars from its Curiosity rover and talk about how cool light and shadow is while no one pays any attention at all...because only crazy people think about that stuff.

In environmental news, Fukushima will reach criticality and form a massive pool of molten lava in east Japan. This could be easily ignored by the world, except that the oil from the BP spill in the Gulf of Mexico will have circled the globe and ultimately be sparked off by the lava, creating a massive global ocean fire with a huge fountain of flame spewing off the coast of Louisiana.  Instead of getting folks to clean up their mess, it will become a romantic dining spot and set off a whole new tourist trade in Louisiana, since no one wants to go to the New New Orleans Post-Katrina.

On the tech front, the first android child will be born in 2013, which sets of a frenzy among the British aristocracy, as they fight over who gets to bugger the thing first.  Meantime Microsoft, in an Orwellian Politically Correct move, will ban certain words from the lexicon.  Anyone using a Microsoft product will not be able to type the words, "bomb", "gun", "government sucks", or "women are inferior to men".  Anyone trying to do so will find their license cancelled and they'll have to buy a bootleg copy on the Black Market, which is also a banned term.  Notablly, Bill Gates will die this coming year from hemorrhagic fever that he catches while giving vaccines to poor African children.  His last words will be recorded as, "I paid my yacht note, right?  Don't want to be like Steve Jobs."  Amazingly, the infant mortality rate in Africa will improve dramatically immediately afterward.

Which naturally brings us to the Big Pharma news.  One of the Biggies will announce that they have discovered the perfect panacaea: one pill that cures everything from hangovers to pregnancy.  The only problem is that the pill is too big to swallow, so no one can test it.  The company's stock will shoot to the Moon and then crash and burn.  It will be called the "Facebook" of the medical world.  Interestingly, the drug will become a major hit since someone in Bogota,Columbia discovers that if you smoke, toot and use the rest as a suppository, you will enjoy five days of perfect mental and physical health before you die.  It will become known as "horse", since it makes you as strong as a horse.  It will become the drug of choice among the Baby Boomer set, as they look for a graceful way to exit.

On the religious front, the Jedi sect will become the fastest growing religion in all of history.  Jedi temples will spring up everywhere and demand equal status with all the regular cults.  This lasts for a time until some guy in Hoboken, New Jersey, named Michael Valentine Smith, starts a new religion based on orgies and ritual cannibalism.  It will grow at twice the pace of the Jedis until someone realizes that the ultimate 'grok' will be when the last newborn eats the last old guy and the world comes to a crashing end.  However, for a time, 'born again' will take on a whole new meaning as cult members scream that phrase aloud while on the toilet.  The problems really begin when there is a major schism, as the 'water sisters' demand equal treatment with the 'water brothers'.

In entertainment, Britain's longest running and most watched soap opera, "The Royals," will have a major event when two of the key characters, Willie and Kate, breed.  A major plot will involve the doctor who delivers the Royal Brood.  See, there's twins in this go-round, and the second one is breach.  The doctor in charge of the delivery will be 'suicided' shortly after the blessed event because he will be heard to say of the breachie, "Looks just like Liz!"  This one event will set up a major theme for the next 30 or 40 years, as the audience tries to guess which twin will be the one to assume the throne.  Don't bother watching.  It will just dissolve into a rehash of "The Man in the Iron Mask."

And so that brings us to the final predilection for 2013, which is...drum roll here...NO APOCALYPSE!  That's right, there will be natural disasters and various other causes of death, and millions will die, as they would statistically anyway.  Some will drown, some will get old, some will run into the sharp end of knives, while others will fall into pits caused by oil drilling, and still others because the cure they needed was illegal or hidden.  Still others will get hit by lightning or bitten by rabid rabbits.  By mostly they'll be killed by mechanized pilotless machines in the sky.  But the world will keep spinning and no one's prophet or god will come riding to Earth on a cloud to mete out justice.  In other words, it will be just another year with its share of disasters.  Nothing unusual, considering Mount Vesuius buried two major cities 2,000 years ago, kiilling millions, and the world didn't end.  In fact, those cities are now tourist attractions.  One hundred and fifty yeats ago, Kerakatau blew up in the Java Sea between Sumatera and Java and changed weather worldwide for two years after.  And we're still here and still killing, screwing, cheating, fenagling, lying, back-stabbing, under-handing, stealing, coveting, destroying, and bullshitting each other.

If the world as we know it is going to end, then it can only mean that humans will start treating each other with respect and stop ripping each other off.  Simple as that.

In fact, an end to the world as we know it might actually be a good thing.  It might promote love and peace and harmony amongst the survivors.  It might prevent a lot of harm and pain and injustice.

Just something to think about.

And the Number 1 predilection for 2013?  Michael Jackson will still be dead, but unlike Elvis, Buddy Holly and Bob Marley, no one will imitate him.

Oh yeah, Big Bush will die in January and the world will be a better place.  'Shrub' ain't far behind him.  Babs will continue on for another couple of years, thankful that she can finally have a little peace and solitude.

In the immortal words of Linda Ellerby, "And so it goes..."