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2014 - The Predilection Issue

Yes indeed, folks, it's time once again for our world famous Far Side Predilection Issue, where instead of making useless predictions, we simply follow the trends to their natural conclusions.  If you've hung around here for any length of time, then you'll know that last year's Issue was 99 and 44/100% correct, which is how we got to be world famous in the first place.  You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows!

So, without further ado (or is that aduh), let's get down to bidness:

Bald is Beautiful
Earth's northern hemisphere will begin glowing brightly in X and Gamma ray wavelengths, thanks to Fukushima denial.  This will garner the attention of a number of extraterrestrial races, notably from the Orion Arm of the galaxy, who will complain loudly that the radiation is interfering with broadcast signals and ruining Duck Dynasty. The show's ratings go through the roof.

"Radioactive" will be the new buzz word at Paris and Milan this year.  Glow-in-the-dark clothes, bald toothless models and plutonium jewelry will be all the rage.  Sales of prednisolone will explode and it will come to replace Xanax as the latest drug craze among Hollywood's oh-so-hip.

A new dance will sweep the globe, called the Fission, in which dancers slam into one another in very cramped spaces trying to overcome physical resistance and merge into a single entity, releasing vast amounts of energy in the process.  The dance will become a major sourse of energy in the Third World, especially Iran.

Tsar Baby
Vladimir Putin will reveal his Romanov roots and revive the Russian Tsars.  He will celebrate his coronation by cooking an omelet using Faberge eggs.  This will cause quite a stir as men around the world suddenly realize that you can be manly and cook too.

Not to be outdone, Obama will announce his roots as a Kenyan prince and begin the process of turning the US into yet another barren African hell-hole.  Most Americans won't even notice the difference.  Meanwhile, in Kenya a goat will be born with a face that bears a striking resemblance to Obama's.  Thousands will hail it as an omen, but no one will be quite sure of what.

Meanwhile, Queen Liz will declare Charlie unfit to be king, thus clearing the way for Billy to assume the throne in 30 years when she finally kicks off.  By then, Billy will be so old that he'll spend a month enjoying some of the perks of being king and then abdicate to let Georgie take over, while he and Kate take a Mediterranean cruise on the royal barge.

Almost unnoticed, Sultan Hamengkubuwono of Yogyakarta will marry the daughter of the king of Thailand, sparking a new martial art exercise craze called Thaindo.  It will be notable for its unusual style combining long periods of thinking about moving (called meditation) and short spurts of movement involving rice and food bowls.  Senior citizens the world over will hail it as a Godsend, while critics will say it hardly varies from day-to-day activities.

China Sheik
Due to China's increasing hunger for power and the US demand slowing appreciably, relations between China and Saudi Arabia will continue to warm.  So much so, in fact, that China will declare Islam an tolerated religion and Chinese citizens will begin sporting keffiyeh as the new must-have fashion accessory, especially since it serves double duty as a pollution mask.  Things will start going down-hill fast, though, as the Chinese will keep calling the Islamic holy book "aw-Kolan".

The final nail in the Sino-Saudi relationship will be when three commerical airliners crash dive into Shanghai office towers after being hijacked by the very same Saudi terrorists who pulled off 9/11.  The hijackers will all survive, of course.

 Nexus Perplex Us
 The internet will continue to scream forward with people legally changing their names to IP addresses.  This will cause major problems for those who use IPv6, since the names will not fit on standard identification documents.  As a result, IPv7 will be introduced, with only 128 characters instead of the usual 1,040.

Wzk2001:0db8:85a3:0000:0000:8a2e:0370:7334 will rise up as the new guru of geeks when he develops the next-generation Google glass, which involves implanting artificial cornea that receive text and images directly out of the aether and project it onto the retina of users.  This will lead to a new phenomenon of people walking in circles due to mistakes in Google Maps.  In their frustration, people will be screaming into the Bluetooth-enabled headsets trying to get things sorted out.  Old timers will remark how the world's just gone completely crazy with folks wandering around in circles talking to themselves.  Psychiatry will go into severe decline as shrinks will no long be able to tell who's nuts and who isn't.

Meanwhile, an Australian man will cause a huge stir when he develops a new laser holography system that can project full-motion 3-D objects onto the sky itself, using moisture in the air as billions of tiny reflectors.  He will announce his invention by faking the Second Coming and scaring two and a half million people in Melbourne out of their minds.  The Vatican will immediately put in an order for 1,000 of the devices.

The Greater Depression
Christmas 2014 will see the resurgence of "Depression Chic" as the latest toy craze in the US and EU will be home-made rag dolls and hand-carved wood blocks.  The latest and hottest app will be Foxfire DIY, as people (who still have devices and electricity) rediscover the joys of building their own tree-branch huts and foraging for food and herbs.  "Mushrooming" will be the new catch phrase among the urban-survival hipsters, as they use the last bit of gasoline in their cars to get to the nearest forest, when edible fungi become the new currency.

Mad Max films will see a revival in kerosine-lamp theaters as people try to glean any tips on post-apocalyptic survival from the old Mel Gibson series.  Mel's career will see a major upsurge as he becomes the guru of medieval and post-apocalyptic warfare and living.  His films Braveheart and The Patriot will become required viewing in ad hoc war colleges as folks try to crash-learn military tactics while facing off with hordes of federal goons.

Last in Space
A Kyrgyztani man will try to garner the same success as the Dutch folks putting together Mars I.  He will put up a website seeking volunteers and donations to launch the first human settlers to Venus.  The website will receive a one-rouble donation and one volunteer; a goat farmer in Kafyristan who is the only person on Earth who hasn't heard about Venus' atmosphere.  Critics reviewing the reality show will note the effective use of chirping crickets to enhance the desolate feeling at the group's press conferences.

The Chinese, emboldened with the success of the Chang'e program, will move ahead with the Chang'f series.  The first launch in September will land an inflatable habitat in the Sea of Tranquility housing three specially trained dogs, who will seek out and urinate on the legs of the Apollo 11 lander.  A mission controller outside Beijing will be quoted as saying, "That's one small piss for a dog, and one giant piss on Mankind."

Well, folks...that's the pre-news from here on the Far Side.  Don't forget to keep looking down - so you don't see the writing on the wall.  All of us here at the Far Side World Headquarters (FSWH) wish each and every one of you a most happy and healthful New Year!  May all your monkeys be trainable and may all your chickens be born upright.

Keep stopping by Life on the Far Side and Radio Far Side, as we continue to bring you the most insightful and informative material on the internet (which ain't saying much, really).  We'll continue to bring our unique brand of inforedutainment (tm) with an IndoTex (r) flavor each and every other few days.

Sampai jumpa!