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4.2.14

Old Fart Tales

I saw the Beatles live at the Coliseum in Houston in 1968.
I went to Super Bowl VIII at Rice Stadium in roughly the same time frame.  It was between Miami and Minneapolis.
I watched every bleary-eyed moment of the Moon landings...all of them...live.  Thanks Stanley!
I remember Kennedy's and Churchill's funerals.
I was required to take a gun to school in order to participate in school activities.
I am a registered marksman because of it.
There was a time when grandads were old men, now I is one.
J. Paul Getty and Howard Hughes were once measures of ungodly wealth, now it's Bill God-help-us Gates and people whose names are unpronounceable and all foreign sounding.
I found a $100 bill outside a notorious Houston nightclub one time.  It was a fortune.  Now it's only a tank of gas.
I used to buy gas at $0.27/gal and cigarettes for $0.45/pack.
Once upon a time, cold winters were just part of the cycle of life, now they're conspiracies.
When I was a kid, a president like Obama would've started a revolution.
I remember when unwed babies and welfare checks were embarrassing.
My first rodeo was at the Astrodome.  Now spell check doesn't recognize "Astrodome".  It was also the fat stock show, not the livestock show.  PC language sucks.
Earth's coastlines are still pretty much where I left them, give or take a hurricane or two and global warming.
There was a time when surgeons only covered their mouths, but left their noses hanging out.
I was 2 years old when the last real president of the US died.
Remember when Polaroid pix were cool?
I was the family hero at 10 years old because I was able to disassemble the TV and take the tubes to Walgreen's for testing and made it work again.
I watched "Howdy Doody" and "Star Trek" in first run.
Remember Kaptain Kangaroo, Mr Greenjeans, Mr Rabbit, Dancing Bear?  Yeah?  You're old.
I remember when immortality was impossible, not a matter of time.
When I was a kid, smoking was cool.
China was once a place of incredible mystery...now it's the up and coming empire.
"Mandarin" still means "upper class".
I remember when Caller ID freaked me out.
To place an overseas call home from Europe, I used to go to the telegraph office, make a reservation and watch the meter spin while I talked to folks back home with a maddening time delay.  Now I dial my cell phone or send a text message.
They still haven't found a cure for time zones.
Once upon a time, every human could name the latest astronaut.  Now there aren't two dozen people on Earth who can name all the folks on the ISS.
They did that on purpose so we wouldn't know who's up there at any given time.
There was a time when the internet was called "teletext" and it came to a little screen attached to your phone.  It was so wild.
Every Friday the air-raid horns would go off at noon and we'd have to duck and cover.
Now we know that duck and cover only makes countable shadows on the floor for victim roles.
There was a time when underarm deodorant came in little jars that you scooped up and rubbed under your arms.  It was called "MUM".
I remember my first digital watch.  It had two dials with numbers and I couldn't take my eyes off it.  Back then, there was only the house clock and Mom and Dad's Wesclox alarm that was wound, not charged.
When I first started working on cars, I could open the hood and recognize every single part under it.  Now I can't even find the damn engine.
Back in the old days, I had to paste my hair with soap and draw lines on my face to play older parts.  Now I use nose putty to hide the lines and I still have to paste my hair to be bald...HAHAHAHA!
I still remember my first self-inflicted orgasm.
When I was a kid, dogs were man's best friend.  Now it's against the law to say "man".
I had to apply for my Social Security number when I was 16.  Most Merkans are born with them now.
My first drunk was on Wild Turkey at Kloesel's Steak House in Moulton, Texas,  I was 14.  I should sue them for serving a minor.
I had a pet cow named "Old Friendly" when I was a kid.
We used to sit around and listen to old folk tell tales.  Now we stick 'em in institutions so they won't bother us.

I used to seek advice, now I give it.  When did I cross the line of wisdom?  No one ever called me a young fart, so how the hell can I be an old one?