Here Thar Be Monsters!

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2.1.18

2018 Predilection Issue

Yes folks, it’s time once again for the most anticipated, oft quoted and occasionally reviled Annual Predilection Issue, where we don’t predict the future, but just follow the trends to their logical conclusions.

Last year’s report had a stunning 98.0819% accuracy rate.  We correctly predilected Donald Trump’s firy infatuation with North Korea’s Kim Jong-un and his jealous rages when he caught Unny playing Rubber Sheets and Petroleum Oil with Vlad the Impaler and Jinping the Kingpin.

We correctly predilected Florida’s new Disney Ski Resort opening amidst protestations that polar heating was causing frigid cold to reach the 28th parallel, and NASA taking credit for cooling the planet with all its hot air.

We also correctly predilected that Harvey Wine-mug would lead a mass Hollywood conversion to Quakerism, with public confessions becoming all the rage.  The trend became so popular that it has even reached the halls of CONgress, where the airing of dirty laundry has become practically rampant.

So, without futher self-congratulations, we present the One, and thankfully the ONLY Far Side 2018 Predilection Issue!

10. The UK Royal Breeding Program to Save Endangered Privileged White Folks will announce its first Mulatto member, as second-string stud Prince Andy marries Marla Maples in the world’s most expensive virtual signal ever conceived.  The event will be heralded as the Most Amazing Act of Auto-Racism ever performed in public.


9. The Marxist/Progressivist feeding frenzy will continue apace adherents try to out-signal each other, causing mass riots as they suddenly realize that every medium they rely on to get their message out was invented by a white male, including the alternating current that powers their smartphones.  They are finally silenced when they realize en masse that the English language was invented by white males, too.

8. Ski resort owners will have their greatest year ever across the Northern Hemisphere as the season extends into late August.  They will shut down for two weeks out of sheer exhaustion, only to re-open in early September amidst record snowfall in Southern California.  Al Gore will be kidnapped and vanish for four months, only to be discovered frozen solid inside a snowman in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

7. A group of adventurous French teenagers will come upon Emmanuel Macron and Angela Merkel in the Paris catacombs playing a bizarre sex game in which they take turns spanking each other and yelling the names “Hitler” and “de Gaulle”.  The teens will upload a video to D-Tube which will instantly garner over one billion hits and earn the teens over $20 million STEEM DOLLARS.  Country singer Bertie Higgins will rocket back to fame with a re-release of his hit “Bogey and Bacall,” changing the names to “Hitler and deGaulle”.

6. Italian-Americans will cry out with one voice as new revelations will expand the PizzaGate scandal and successive scandals will be called SpaghettiGate, MacaroniGate and EnsalattaRusticaGate.  Olive Garden restaurants will quietly shift its menu to Greek food.  There will be talk of re-opening the Colosseum in Rome and feeding child sex traffickers to the lions for public entertainment.

5. The world will breathe a sigh of relief when Iran finally throws off the shackles of Islamic theocracy and returns to its heyday under the Shah, since the US and Israel will no longer have a good excuse to invade the country.  Elation will turn to horror, though, when the world realizes just how smart and industrious the Persian people really are, as most of the major advances in science, art and literature will come out of the newly renamed Persia.  Washington will add Persia back on the Axis of Evil list when the country becomes only the fourth nation to land a rover on the Moon and proceed to prove the Moon landings never took place.

4. Bitcoin will hit $100,000 by mid-year as nearly the entire world adopts cryptocurrencies for all transactions, suddenly crashing every national currency on the planet in a single week.  By the end of the year, nearly every human being will join a local autonomous collective, stop voting in national elections and simply ignore all existing governments.  There will be an explosion of art and technology as crowd funding turns to supporting radical inventions and real artists.  A new form of entertainment will arise as bands of homeless lawyers, politicians and bureaucrats roam from place to place trying to pass laws and levy taxes.

3.  Related to Predilection #4, the #GeezerMedia will finally die.  People will simply stop going to Hollywood movies, pro sports games and tuning in to 24-hour news channels.  Google, Amazon and Farcebook will vanish practically overnight as folks lose interest in having mega-corporations mine their personal data for profit and not sharing with the rightful owners.  The masses will not only find themselves much happier, but with a lot of extra time on their hands for creating stuff of real value to society.

2. SpaceX will announce that the two billionaires who have paid for a trip around the Moon are, in fact, Jeff Bezos and Mark Zukerberg.  The world will watch in amazement as the two meddlesome tech giants are roasted alive in the Van Allen Belts.  Soon after, people around the world will be sending in suggestions for other pairs to be sent on a one-way trip to the Moon.  One of the most popular pairings will be George Soros and Pope Francis I, with over one billion votes.


1. Hillary Clinton will be selected as the December cover girl for Better Cells and Wardens magazine.  Later the same month, she will be caught trying to tunnel out of Levenworth using a life-size poster of Saul Alinsky to cover the hole in her wall.  An inspection will reveal her digging tools inside a copy of Rules for Radicals, which she refers to as her Bible.  After being discovered, Hillary will retreat into her mental “safe space,” sitting in a corner petting a stuffed white Persian cat, wearing gold-colored contacts and muttering the word “spectre” for the rest of her natural born days.

That's it for this coming year.  Be sure to check back next year when we review our score card.  And don't forget to check in regularly as we trash the pretentious pop culture and bring a little reason to bear on society.

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