2012: The Predilection Issue

The radio shack just moments before the fire

Well, here it is, nearly noon on the first day of 2012.  We had fun last night talking to people in another year.  Not often one gets to time travel so dramatically.  In fact, it only happens once a year, so far.

We had a raucous celebration here at the FSWHQ.  I managed to get a bottle of Chivas Regal 43.7 kilometers into the jungle without the monkeys stealing it.  The fireworks set the radio shack on fire.  Thankfully, we have backup satellite connections the next village over.

So, the world's still here.  Iran test fired a missile, the US Air Force bought more drones (since they work so well), the Egyptian military junta is still raping and pillaging, gold was up, markets were down, the euro is still collapsing, the Greeks are trying to outdo the Italians while pitting their Goldbar Sacks trustee presidents against each other in mortal combat, Los Angeles is on fire, Chicago delivery guys are getting robbed by cell phone users, PETA wants to erect a monument to dead cows, OWS is pulling an Animal House gag by building a rogue Rose Parade float, Bammy is signing laws despite 'grave concerns,' his wife is spending millions to get $3 donations, and some guy in Texas walked into the airport with a bomb.

God I love Texas.

In other words, everything is business as usual here on the third rock from an average sun.

It should be an interesting year, though.  In fact, it's time for our annual ritual of predicting the future.  Pretty much all of our predictions last year came true, so no reason to expect this year will be any different.  So here goes...

1) Kate and Willy will have yet another inbred mouth to feed on the backs of the British people who, despite centuries of abuse, still support a useless monarchy.  I predict they will get more of the same this year.

2) The euro will finally collapse causing Germany to get upset at all the disorder and people throwing trash on the ground.  They will institute the Fourth Reich and make everyone sit down and behave themselves or else!

3) Ron Paul will be elected president as an independent with Jesse Ventura as his veep.  He'll move into the White House, only to find that Bammy and Michelle stole all the silverware and linens.  Bammy's spokesman, Reggie Love (wasn't that an Eddie Murphy character?), will be quoted as saying, "We hope that changes things."

4) Gold will become the Most Valuable Object In The World (MVOITW) until everyone discovers that the Vatican has been making it with alchemy for centuries, causing prices to crash and Ron Paul to look worried as he tries to figure out some other standard to base the dollar on.

5) The New World Order will become Old News as folks realize that it's the same old crap the Euro-trash idle rich have been trying to foist on the world since the 1100s.  Furthermore, people will wake up and realize that it's like the game of Simon Sez...it only works if the players follow along.

6) Throughout 2012, there will be earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, and volcanoes, but folks will wise up and move away from the shorelines and off the mountain slopes, so no one will die and life will go on as usual.

7) A new form of generator will be launched on the market that uses no fuel, has no moving parts and costs $100 for a lifetime supply of electricity.  The former CEOs of oil companies will be marching in Washington demanding an increase in Social Security benefits, since all their wealth was tied up in stock options, which have become worthless.  The execs of BP will be thrown in jail for life for crimes against humanity.

Monowi, Neb.: Nest of Vipers

8) It will be revealed that Fukishima was planned as revenge on the US for Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  In California, people will become kind of dopey and nutty from the long-term effects of radiation exposure, but no one will notice, since they've always pretty much been that way.  Beachcombing will become the new fad on the west coast, as people gather up the flotsam and jetsam from Japan to build foreclosure-proof houses.  They will have the added benefit of not needing electricity, since the glow is enough to read by at night, and the radiation makes pretty patterns on the plasma screens that goes great with a couple of bowls of sinsemilla.

9) The idiotic feds will find a hotbed of terrorist activity in Monowi, Nebraska (pop. 1) and proceed to bomb the daylights out of it for three months as a way to burn off surplus munitions that are building up after all the wars have ended.  The Pentagon will refuse to cancel long-term contracts with the military-industrial complex, because someone somewhere might look cross-eyed at the US, thus needing a little Monowi Shock and Awe.

10) Israel will attempted to attack Iran, but Iran will have already hacked into the on-board computers in the Israel's fighter jets, causing them all to land dead center in the middle of Afghanistan, where the pilots are forced to try and talk their way out of THAT situation.  Meanwhile, a decree signed by Julius Caesar granting Palestine full autonomy will be found in a catacomb deep beneath Rome, forcing the UN to recognize that the only authentic historical documents in existance make no mention of Israel ever having existed before 1948.  Tel Aviv declares Sharia Law and immediately all the shops have sales on yamulkas.  The Vatican will open a branch office on Temple Mount.

A cheeky monkey

So, those are our predictions, and we're sticking to 'em.  We predict that 98% of them will come true, we just don't know which 98%, so caveat emptor.

We may be staying here at the jungle headquarters of the Far Side.  Dodging cheeky monkeys seems a damn sight easier than dodging falling drones.  Besides, it's hard to beat having two wives giving me a massage, while one fans me and another feeds me dragon fruit sorbet made fresh with the new ice machine I just installed, a la Mosquito Coast.

Happy New Year 2012, and remember, TSA can smell fear...  Oh, and something else to keep in mind: there's only one letter different between 'money' and 'monkey.'

Report From FSWHQ

We here we are, the end of a rather remarkable year and the beginning of the dreaded 2012!  It's got us so stirred up here on the Far Side that we've retreated once again to our jungle nest, known as the Far Side World Headquarters, or FSWHQ, for short.

Looking like a scene from the old King Kong movie, we moved our clan back to the forest.  The four wives carried my sedan chair, while the kids and animals were loaded with important things, like a new plasma TeeVee, a pedal-free generator and the new Far Side Satellite Telecommunications Center (FSSTC).  We're going deep undercover for the coming year.

Looking back, we marvel that the world limped past the finish line, though technically we still have hours to go.  The US markets battled to a 'flat' return in the closing seconds of the year's market.  The euro ended up as the worst-performing currency in the world, which is why we brought all our euro-bonds into the jungle with us.  Perfect fire starters.

As far as economics go, Asia looks to be standing head-and-shoulders above their western counterparts.  Indonesia, Vietnam and China are red-hot.  Thailand was doing well until the floods.  Japan is white-hot, though for a different reason.  In fact, we've been collecting the new glow-in-the-dark Yen.

What's really been interesting this year, though, has been watching the PTB/W absolutely panicked, as in cold sweats and sleepless nights.  Their reckless and wild abandon in trying to nail down their little Medieval World Order (MWO) has been rather entertaining to watch, as long as you weren't in a country they destroyed to protect their little fiefdoms.  The MENA (Mid-east/North Africa) folks weren't so lucky to have ring-side seats.

One has to laugh, though, since the MWO is positively falling to bits.  The desperate invasions and attempts to control true grass-roots uprisings across the MENA regions have been like watching the Keystone Kops Kapers.  Part of their problem is something that will never change...human nature.

You see, the MWO has been a multi-century pax belli between a bunch of inbred nutcases, who are so rich and so bored, they cooked up this world domination game to have something to do.  The problem is, the closer it got the reality, the more they started fighting among themselves to be the one king on the top of the dung hill.

As fast as the inbred crowd started sniping at each other, the normal humans out here in Reality Land decided it was a good time to exercise some God-given rights.  So as the self-annointted elites tried to outmaneuver each other, the World was out-maneuvering them, and when they turned to try to nail down the World, the elites would shoot each other in the back.  Now, when you stop laughing at the mental image of that, take a look around and see the results.

Egypt was supposed to be a controlled Soros-colored revolution, but then the revolution revolted against itself to get rid of the MWO clowns.  The MWO clowns wanted to install radically fundamentalist Islamic authoritarians, which the MWO control.  But the good and very intelligent Egyptian people wouldn't hear of it.

The same is happening all across the MENA.  Folks just want to be left the hell alone.  They are tied of trading one totalitarian yutz for another of a different stripe.  Real people really enjoy just going about their business, living in peace and harmony with their neighbors, regardless of what building they choose to worship in.

Amazing how that works.

In Europe, folks everywhere are getting fed up with the whole damn package.  They are tired of the German Neo-Nazi unification called the EU.  They are tired of a completely fabricated currency shoved down their throats.  They are tired of having Goldbar Sacks alumni brazenly take over their countries in un-elected coups after watching the banks rape and pillage their economies.

The Irish fought the EU until it was literally rammed down their throats.  They then watched their red-hot economy turn to ash.  Greece and Italy, while not exactly massive industrial economies, had perked along just fine for centuries, until the EU came along.  Spain and Portugal the same.

The US is quite a tale.  The largest, most powerful economic engine ever known completely imploded due to fiat and regulation.  At the same moment the country was shipping its heart and soul overseas in the name of profit, the Puppetmasters were shoving ever draconian regulations through CONgress to prevent competition from springing up naturally to fill the void.  As a consequence, America poured gallons of Round-Up on its garden since they figured they could buy cheaper veggies from the Asian gardens.  Then the Asian gardeners got properous and wanted to keep more of their produce, so now the American garden is dead and the cheap alternatives have gone on to better deals elsewhere.

All that led to the OWS, which originally was a home-grown movement of folks sick and tired of being Rounded-Up by the bankster classes.  Of course, the Giant Sucking Media (GSM) tried to package that movement and give it a little Soros treatment, so the real folks drifted away, and it became another Tea-Licking Party (TLP).  All the real people are flooding into the Ron Paul camp, which absolutely mystifies the PTB/W crowd, because they did such a fine job of hiding Paul from themselves that they can't see what's going on.

In the meantime, the US, once global champion of peace, human rights and economic miracle-cures, has become a rogue terrorist state that is eating its own children and trying to cobble together a controlled economy without any of the ingredients that constitute an economy.  If you get enough perspective on it, it really is quite entertaining.  Harder to see that part when the bastards are auctioning off your worldly belongings in the yard where you raised your children, while you stand in the icy drizzle clutching your photo album watching your neighbors pick through your DVD collection.

Yep, we gotta admit 2012 is going to be a verrrry interesting year, and no, it doesn't have a damn thing to do with Mayan calendars.  It is, though, a self-fulfilling prophesy.  In their in-bred scramble to keep us in terror-induced zombie mode, the PTB/W made up this whole apocalypse thing, hoping it would keep folks busy battening down the hatches, just like Y2K did.  Instead, it is quickly shaping up to be The End Of The World As They Know It (TEOTWATKI).  They have successfully created the Second Coming, only it's coming for them.  Those who live by the apocalypse, die by the apocalypse.  The rest of us are free to sit back and watch with amusement as everything the PTB/W predicted and tried to scare us with comes true...for THEM!

We, however, meaning us here at FSWHQ, will be happy to sit back and watch the whole thing on the new plasma TeeVee being set up in the village clearing.  The kids are busy scrambling up the coconut trees to put the new dish up.  The wives are busily nattering and playing with the new pedal-less generator.  We're preparing for our celebration tonight by tying sparklers on money tails.  It's just so damned entertaining to watch them run through the tree-tops with their tails on fire!

Out here in the jungles of Borneo, nothing changes much.  Empires come and go.  Currencies rise and fall.  Revolutions sweep across the globe.  But tying fireworks to moneys is always the same great fun.

The world is too much with us, as someone once said.  Time to put away our fear, because the PTB/W are so damned terrified that we can all just sit back and watch the in-breds shoot each other in the foot.  Think of it as the Saturday matinee writ large.  We could even open a window in Vegas and start laying odds on which in-bred families will die-off first.

Oh, they're calling us over to the TeeVee hut to do the honors of tuning in the Thai horror movie channel.  Great fun that.

So we'll wrap up the year by wishing all of our great readers a Happy and Fortunate New Year/Selamat Ulang Tahun Baru.  We'll light up a monkey for you!

And thanks for making Life on the Far Side increasingly popular!  We have added hundreds of new readers in the past year from 93 countries.  We will continue to offer arguments and diversions, and we hope you will continue to enjoy them.

Ah, wife #4 just brought us a large shell full of cap tikus (mouse piss), which is fermented coconut milk.  Nasty stuff, but after the third or fourth shell-full, you can eat the fetal deer at the bottom of the jug and not think twice about it.

Don't give the fascist pigs any reason to haul you off tonight, and we'll see you all again in 2012!