To set this up, we have to admit that we are a closet
Trekkie. Have been since childhood
watching the original series in first run.
Of course, we’ve kept up with all the later stuff, like the movies and
follow-on series, though we weren’t crazy about Voyager and Deep Six Nine. But, we had the dutiful premier party for the
premier of The Next Generation back
in our college days.
Over the years, we tried to get on crew for the various
movies. I was one of those things, you
know. The two times we might have gotten
in, we were locked into other productions.
Though it was tempting to walk off, that would have crushed our career,
and some things just aren’t worth it.
At any rate, we were blow away by the new movie series. The cast was perfect and the back-story was a
kick. Whoda thunk “Bones” didn’t refer
to McCoy being a doctor? At any rate,
we’ve been hungry for the sequel, waiting now for four long years for some more
trekking into…well, darkness.
So anyway, we were sitting around cleaning up the computer
and doing other meaningless stuff the other day when Skype went off. It was “Tubs” Roy, our old buddy from the
film daze. Couldn’t believe it! We haven’t talked to Tubs in a decade. Last time we saw him, we were hacking our way
through the jungles of Puerto Rico shooting the Flintstones. It was hard to
believe he was still alive, after all, he was probably personally responsible
for supporting a number of Peruvian family plantations. But, if the Stones can be planning a new
tour, why not…right?
“Dude! You’re still
alive?” we asked incredulously.
“Love you too, man.
What’s up with you?”
“I’m living in Indonesia now. Just working on my writing and living large,”
we boasted.
“Indonesia? What the
hell are you doing there? Didn’t you get
enough tropical diseases on Flintstones?”
he prodded. He’ll never let us live down
the emergency-level dysentery we nearly died from.
“You got married again?” he choked. “Didn’t get enough punishment from the last
three?”
“Call me an optimist.
Fourth time’s a charm, right? So,
what the hell did you look me up for?”
“Dude, we just wrapped pick-ups for Star Trek,” he teased.
“WHAT?! You got on
crew for Trek? You bastard,” we said with genuine, heartfelt
sincerity.
“Yeah. It was pretty
righteous. I like doing FX gigs. Lots of green screen. Can spend more time in A/C,” he opined. He was making us work for it. He knew what we wanted. He knew it was the whole reason he called.
He knew what millions of fans are chewing the scenery to
find out. And he wasn’t going to just
come out and tell us. We had to work for
it.
“So?! What’s the
dirt? You know I’m going to ask and I
know it’s the only reason you would call me after a decade,” we said bluntly.
“Oh come on, dude.
You know I love you. That’s why I
hauled your butt to the toilet for three days when you were dying,” he said. He had a point, but so did we.
“True, but come on. I
know you’re dying to spill it. I’m
probably the 3,639th person you’ve called to give the gory details,
right?” we prompted.
“Naw, dude. Just you
and my mother is all. I know you can
keep a secret, cause they’ll emasculate me and steal my first-born if it gets
around that I leaked,” he whispered. We
figured he wasn’t exaggerating too much.
“You know I won’t spill, dude. I wouldn’t do that to you,” we lied. We are not above lying when it comes to juicy
material.
“OK, chief…you sitting down?”
“Yeah yeah…just start dishing, dude,” we growled.
“OK, the Vulcans find the perfect planet to resettle, but it
happens to be dead center of the Neutral Zone.
Well, this kinda pisses off the Romulans and the Klingons and it sets
off a major cool battle scene. Dude,
this battle scene will blow you away. I
saw about 10 seconds of it and it blew me away,” he teased.
“Go on, don’t stop now,” we prompted.
“OK, well, the Romulans pull out this super weapon that no
one knew about and it blows the
Enterprise clear to the edge of the galaxy.
At this point, Cumberbatch, who’s playing Gary Mitchell…you remember
that character, right?” he asked.
“Of course! Third
episode of the first season,” we said. “He
gets zapped and turns into a god with unlimited powers.”
“Yup. So anyway, he’s
really pissed and takes over the Enterprise to start kicking butt on the
Romulans, ‘cause they blew up Vulcan and damn near wiped out the crew with the
super bomb.”
“So it’s like a vengeance thing with Gary going ape with
god-powers while everyone is doing the war dance around a planet in the neutral
zone that the Vulcans want to use as a new homeworld?” we recounted.
“That’s about right, dude,” Tubs said flatly.
But wait…we had one big question.
“So what about Khan?” we asked. “Everyone keeps saying Khan shows up in this
flick.”
Tubs sighed, “Yeah, I keep getting that question, but dude,
he ain’t in it. This guy Gary is the big
heavy.”
“So is the planet the same one that was in Star Trek V: The
Final Failure?” we inquired.
“I don’t think so.
Never thought about that. Hell,
maybe it is,” Tubs said distractedly.
“So are there any good FX, you know, like battles and stuff?”
“Who knows, dude. Anymore
it’s all green screen. Boring as hell, ‘cause
all we do is sit on our ass for eight hours and occasionally get to throw some
junk for explosions,” Tubs lamented. “After
they went to green screen, working on movies wasn’t fun anymore. Lighting’s a cinch. Ain’t no sets. You know that scene with Spock that J.J.
showed on Conan?”
“Yeah, three frames of Spock inside a volcano,” we laughed.
“Yeah, well all we saw was Zac banging around in a silver
suit. The only fun was flagging lights
to look like fire and stuff,” Tubs said.
“Do you think it’s going to be good?” we asked hopefully.
“Oh dude, it’s non-stop action and some serious babage. J.J.’s not shy about throwing flesh around,
even in Star Trek. This ain’t your daddy’s
Enterprise, you know,” he mused. “If I
still had my right thumb, I’d give it two thumbs up.” Tubs lost his thumb in a rigging accident on
Superman IV.
“Yeah, cool. Ok, I
gotta run. Still have to call about 20
other people and fill ‘em in.” he said.
“Aren’t you supposed to be under some kind of gag order or
something?” we asked.
“Of course! So we
never talked. Later dude.” The screen went blank.
So, we’re not telling anyone about this, just remember
that. You didn’t read it here. And isn’t it cool that we didn’t get this
information while talking on a video link to the other side of the world, just
like in Star Trek?
We are such a nerd sometimes.
