Ride A Wooden Horse

If you don't follow Chinese astrology, then you may not be aware that this is the Yang Wood Horse year.  If you are a Westerner, you probably have visions of carousels and those little nickel rides in front of the drugstore.  Of course, that assumes you are an old fart Westerner, I suppose, since visions like that don't exist any more.

It's not quite that simple.

The horse is a fire sign and wood obviously feeds fire.  Yang light casts a positive spin on things and enhances them, but things can get out of control.

This year is liable to see extreme weather (continuing) and lots of health problems, especially with the stomach and gut.  Look for outbreaks of stomach flu in general populations and bouts of indigestion on an individual basis.

The wood part implies strong and fast growth, which can be good for some things, like spiritual awakenings, but can be bad in socio-political situations (read Ukraine, etc.).  Explosive growth can also mean weak foundations and poor construction.  Trees that grow very fast tend to have shallow roots and fall over easily in storms.

And we are in for some storms.  Yang Wood Horse years are known for wars.  The last one in 1954, saw the defeat of France in Vietnam, which ultimately led to the US Vietnam War and the socio-political upheaval in the US commonly called the 60s. On the positive side, the 60s were known for bursts of creativity, but as we have seen, many of the movements that began in that era were shallow and have withered over time.

In this year of the Yang Wood Horse, efforts to expand one's spiritual life will see the return of immediate and rapid results.  The nobility of the Horse will tend to make these efforts positive and beneficial, but one should take care to ensure that things don't get out of hand and "lose the name of action".

What we can likely expect this year is:

• late cold blasts in the northern hemisphere;
• soggy, cool cummer in many places;
• wars and conflicts;
• a protracted and severe outbreak of intestinal flu;
• a rapid spiritual awakening of large numbers of people;
• greater efforts to live more harmoniously on a personal level.

 It's not going to be an easy year, but if folks are aware of the esoteric forces affecting the world around us, we can control and focus those forces in positive ways.  If not, then we are in for some nasty conflicts.

All in all, we can sum up the year as being one of having an energetic horse by the tail.  We can either learn to control and marshal the horse's strengths into positive focus, with the aid of a positive bias on our side, or we can let it get out of hand and end up with a stampede of events that will surely run us over.

Or it's all superstitious bullshit and we shouldn't pay it any mind.

I subscribe to the notion that astrology has some foundation in fact and science, though it's been covered over with hocus-pocus for a long time.  I tend to take the themes more seriously than the particulars, so I'm ready for some upheavals and health issues going forward.

Happy happy!

2014 - The Predilection Issue

Yes indeed, folks, it's time once again for our world famous Far Side Predilection Issue, where instead of making useless predictions, we simply follow the trends to their natural conclusions.  If you've hung around here for any length of time, then you'll know that last year's Issue was 99 and 44/100% correct, which is how we got to be world famous in the first place.  You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows!

So, without further ado (or is that aduh), let's get down to bidness:

Bald is Beautiful

Earth's northern hemisphere will begin glowing brightly in X and Gamma ray wavelengths, thanks to Fukushima denial.  This will garner the attention of a number of extraterrestrial races, notably from the Orion Arm of the galaxy, who will complain loudly that the radiation is interfering with broadcast signals and ruining Duck Dynasty. The show's ratings go through the roof.


"Radioactive" will be the new buzz word at Paris and Milan this year.  Glow-in-the-dark clothes, bald toothless models and plutonium jewelry will be all the rage.  Sales of prednisolone will explode and it will come to replace Xanax as the latest drug craze among Hollywood's oh-so-hip.

A new dance will sweep the globe, called the Fission, in which dancers slam into one another in very cramped spaces trying to overcome physical resistance and merge into a single entity, releasing vast amounts of energy in the process.  The dance will become a major sourse of energy in the Third World, especially Iran.

Tsar Baby

Vladimir Putin will reveal his Romanov roots and revive the Russian Tsars.  He will celebrate his coronation by cooking an omelet using Faberge eggs.  This will cause quite a stir as men around the world suddenly realize that you can be manly and cook too.

Not to be outdone, Obama will announce his roots as a Kenyan prince and begin the process of turning the US into yet another barren African hell-hole.  Most Americans won't even notice the difference.  Meanwhile, in Kenya a goat will be born with a face that bears a striking resemblance to Obama's.  Thousands will hail it as an omen, but no one will be quite sure of what.

Meanwhile, Queen Liz will declare Charlie unfit to be king, thus clearing the way for Billy to assume the throne in 30 years when she finally kicks off.  By then, Billy will be so old that he'll spend a month enjoying some of the perks of being king and then abdicate to let Georgie take over, while he and Kate take a Mediterranean cruise on the royal barge.

Almost unnoticed, Sultan Hamengkubuwono of Yogyakarta will marry the daughter of the king of Thailand, sparking a new martial art exercise craze called Thaindo.  It will be notable for its unusual style combining long periods of thinking about moving (called meditation) and short spurts of movement involving rice and food bowls.  Senior citizens the world over will hail it as a Godsend, while critics will say it hardly varies from day-to-day activities.

China Sheik

Due to China's increasing hunger for power and the US demand slowing appreciably, relations between China and Saudi Arabia will continue to warm.  So much so, in fact, that China will declare Islam an tolerated religion and Chinese citizens will begin sporting keffiyeh as the new must-have fashion accessory, especially since it serves double duty as a pollution mask.  Things will start going down-hill fast, though, as the Chinese will keep calling the Islamic holy book "aw-Kolan".

The final nail in the Sino-Saudi relationship will be when three commerical airliners crash dive into Shanghai office towers after being hijacked by the very same Saudi terrorists who pulled off 9/11.  The hijackers will all survive, of course.

 Nexus Perplex Us

 The internet will continue to scream forward with people legally changing their names to IP addresses.  This will cause major problems for those who use IPv6, since the names will not fit on standard identification documents.  As a result, IPv7 will be introduced, with only 128 characters instead of the usual 1,040.

Wzk2001:0db8:85a3:0000:0000:8a2e:0370:7334 will rise up as the new guru of geeks when he develops the next-generation Google glass, which involves implanting artificial cornea that receive text and images directly out of the aether and project it onto the retina of users.  This will lead to a new phenomenon of people walking in circles due to mistakes in Google Maps.  In their frustration, people will be screaming into the Bluetooth-enabled headsets trying to get things sorted out.  Old timers will remark how the world's just gone completely crazy with folks wandering around in circles talking to themselves.  Psychiatry will go into severe decline as shrinks will no long be able to tell who's nuts and who isn't.

Meanwhile, an Australian man will cause a huge stir when he develops a new laser holography system that can project full-motion 3-D objects onto the sky itself, using moisture in the air as billions of tiny reflectors.  He will announce his invention by faking the Second Coming and scaring two and a half million people in Melbourne out of their minds.  The Vatican will immediately put in an order for 1,000 of the devices.

The Greater Depression

Christmas 2014 will see the resurgence of "Depression Chic" as the latest toy craze in the US and EU will be home-made rag dolls and hand-carved wood blocks.  The latest and hottest app will be Foxfire DIY, as people (who still have devices and electricity) rediscover the joys of building their own tree-branch huts and foraging for food and herbs.  "Mushrooming" will be the new catch phrase among the urban-survival hipsters, as they use the last bit of gasoline in their cars to get to the nearest forest, when edible fungi become the new currency.

Mad Max films will see a revival in kerosine-lamp theaters as people try to glean any tips on post-apocalyptic survival from the old Mel Gibson series.  Mel's career will see a major upsurge as he becomes the guru of medieval and post-apocalyptic warfare and living.  His films Braveheart and The Patriot will become required viewing in ad hoc war colleges as folks try to crash-learn military tactics while facing off with hordes of federal goons.

Last in Space

A Kyrgyztani man will try to garner the same success as the Dutch folks putting together Mars I.  He will put up a website seeking volunteers and donations to launch the first human settlers to Venus.  The website will receive a one-rouble donation and one volunteer; a goat farmer in Kafyristan who is the only person on Earth who hasn't heard about Venus' atmosphere.  Critics reviewing the reality show will note the effective use of chirping crickets to enhance the desolate feeling at the group's press conferences.

The Chinese, emboldened with the success of the Chang'e program, will move ahead with the Chang'f series.  The first launch in September will land an inflatable habitat in the Sea of Tranquility housing three specially trained dogs, who will seek out and urinate on the legs of the Apollo 11 lander.  A mission controller outside Beijing will be quoted as saying, "That's one small piss for a dog, and one giant piss on Mankind."

Well, folks...that's the pre-news from here on the Far Side.  Don't forget to keep looking down - so you don't see the writing on the wall.  All of us here at the Far Side World Headquarters (FSWH) wish each and every one of you a most happy and healthful New Year!  May all your monkeys be trainable and may all your chickens be born upright.

Keep stopping by Life on the Far Side and Radio Far Side, as we continue to bring you the most insightful and informative material on the internet (which ain't saying much, really).  We'll continue to bring our unique brand of inforedutainment (tm) with an IndoTex (r) flavor each and every other few days.

Sampai jumpa!

Zombie Tools Unite!

Well, here we are: one year post-Mayan-zombie Apocalypse.  If you look around critically, you could almost believe it really happened.  The past year has been one of vast, profound and subtle shifts in the direction of history.

Global power has been shifting, sometimes like a sloth and others like a leopard, toward the East.  Increasingly, Russia and China are dictating the ways and means of the world political and economic stage.  In recent weeks, China took the lead in our celestial backyard, as it landed a rover on the Moon.

Meanwhile, the US/UK/EU axis of evil continues to live up to its name, having been revealed (yet again over the past 45 years) to be spying on everyone on the planet, including itself.  For some reason, everyone was shocked, or feigning such for the cameras.  It was hardly a surprise, as anyone who has been awake and reading the reams of laws passed in the last few decades would know this system was at work.  Looks like we've all been Snowdened.

Anyone who thinks they have privacy after posting their life histories, scads of photos and hot chats all over the social media deserves it.  It's akin to taking out a billboard on Times Square and then being shocked that anyone recognizes you walking down the street.  Remember back in the old days when people used screen names?

The Brits added another mouth to its royal tax burden, and then began protesting the tax rates there.  Bit o' news, mates.  You're subjects owned lock, stock and barrel.  Fork it over or get rid of the ridiculous pretention of a royal family.  You're paying for the trappings of empire, without the empire.

Global warming continues to be the world's biggest non-issue.  Those who created extravagant business models based on social guilt keep trying to milk it, with movies, TeeVee and Olympic ceremonies pushing a dead issue, while temps haven't risen in 16 years, polar ice caps are growing and deadly winters are becoming the norm.  Liberal agendas always seem to blow up in their faces.  Ever notice that.

Speaking of which...Obamacare.  Nuff said.

Liberals are the biggest hypocrites to be found.  They blather on about "diversity" as long as they don't have to live with xenotypes.  They beat their breasts over "equality", as long as their chosen groups are more equal.  They jet around the globe and ride in limos and own massive mansions while droning endlessly on about the "environment".  Basically, a liberal is anyone who wants you to change your lifestyle so they don't have to.

Oh, and that whole Kuumbaya rubbish about humanity coming from Africa so we can all feel downtrodden because most African nations are so corrupt and full of thieves that they continuously destroy themselves?  Modern genetics has proven beyond a doubt that it is false.  Looks like most of us came from Australia.  G'day, mate! Kind of a weird poetic beauty to that idea.  The Aboriginals I know are way more cool than most of the Africans of my acquaintance.  Take Obama, for instance...

At least conservatives are blatantly open about the prejudices, greed and hatred of all that isn't incorporated.  I can respect honesty, even when both the message and messenger are equally despicable.

The whole damn civilization is fraying and frazzled, and covered stem to stern with bubblegum and bailing wire.  Can't say I'm sad to see it go.  It's kind of like gangrenous flesh - you've got to carve it out before the healing can begin.  It's just a horribly slow and painful process at the scale of a planet.

You'd think after 6,000 years of starting governments and then living to regret the idea very much, humanity would have learned.  It is apparent that we are a masochistic species hell-bent on operating in our own worst interests come what may.

At any rate, Aquarius continues to dawn.  The year of the yin wood green horse is coming up.  The numerical value of the coming year is 7, which a lot of folks call lucky.  Maybe we'll get lucky and squeeze the big boil on the rump of the world and start the recovery for real.

In the immortal words of Shakespeare, "Jail all the bankers!"  Or was that Sven Joergensohn?  I get the two confused.