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How To Be An Anti-Christ In 5 Easy Steps

Hi boys and girls! Welcome to another exciting round of Name That Anti-Christ! It's the game we've all heard of, where contestants compete for fabulous wealth, eternal life and power beyond imagination!

 All of our contestants have signed a contract with the devil before we went on the air, so win or lose, they all get Eternal Damnation!

(wild applause)

Now, before we begin, those of you at home take out a pen and paper. We're going to make a list of criteria for the next Anti-Christ. We all know Nero and Hitler and Stalin, and the predictions of Nostradamus, but they don't hold a candle to the Big Guy himself. So play along with us now as we track down the Anti-Christ!

The first part of the game goes like this: we're going to make a list of stuff you'll need to be the Anti-Christ. Don't be afraid to think BIG here. This is not some fly-by-night secret society we're talking about. This is for the whole world and this corner of the Universe!  Secret societies are small fry by comparison.

So, in our Anti-Christ tool box, we'll need the following:

  1. About a billion and a half fanatical followers who will do anything you tell them, including eating flesh and drinking blood.
  2. You'll have to be the single largest land owner in the entire world, and have a pretty good chunk of all the gold, art and ancient archives in existence.
  3. Of course, you'll have to be the head of a sovereign country so you have diplomatic immunity and nobody can arrest you or sue you.
  4. You'll need some cool threads, including a hat that looks like a fish-head, and you'll need to carry around a stick with a depiction of an instrument of torture, just to remind everyone what they get if they don't follow you.
  5. You'll have to convince everyone that you were hand-selected by God, even when they plainly see you elected by secret ballot, and that every utterance you make is infallible.
  6. Finally, you'll need an endless supply of altar boys and choir girls to keep the celibate aristocracy busy on those long, lonely nights.
Six points...nifty right?

OK, got everything in order?

Now, here's the tricky part. You have to make every king, at least in the Western world, come to you for approval and authority to rule. All the elected leaders have to make at least one of your slumber parties early on in their terms of office, or they risk pissing off your fanatical followers and you give them some bad press.

Next, you have to control all the finances of the world by making every country set up a central bank that must clear all its transactions through your bank. After all, there's really no one else on Earth that has enough gold and goodies to back multi-trillion dollar bank-to-bank transactions.

After all that, you still have to convince the world that you are just some benign, dottering old guy who just runs a big religious organization, and you really don't have any designs on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem. Obviously, everyone's watching for that as a sign that you've come to take over the Earth, so you'll have to play it cool for a while...say 2,000 years or so.

OK, now we're ready to play. Start by giving the secret sign to all your minions in groups like the Bilderburgers, the CFR, The Trilateral Commission, The Club of Rome, the Committee of 300, and any others you can think of. Make sure that they all appear to be independent conspiracies, or at the very least don't have a connection to you. Publicly excommunicate them so everyone is thrown off the trail.  Start by quietly amassing all the remaining wealth in the world in your personal bank, but make it look like all that money is bailing out all the other banks. Very important step, here. Once you've got it all tied up, you're ready for the Endgame.

At this point, it's almost time to reveal yourself. After all, when you control everything, what are the rubes going to do about it?

OK, it's time to crash all the markets, steal the last scraps from the tables of the world and wait.

Hear that? That's the cry of every human being in the world begging for you to rescue them. Well, shucks, you DO have all those churches full of gold, you own the great treasures of art and culture, your bank is overflowing, and you've got a 2,000-year track record to lean on. So, go ahead and make them all swear fealty to you.

There, see how much fun it was to play? And for you all playing at home, you get three guesses who the Anti-Christ is. Your hint, it's not George Soros, Ted Turner or the Queen of England.

Any guesses?

For those playing at home, you receive the Mark of the Beast, which will buy you media attention and lots of likes on your social media.  Proudly display your Mark and you'll get ring-side seats in Hell for the Final Showdown!

Tune in next week when Minions Bill Gates, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and Jack Ma take over the Solar System to make sure you have no means of escape!

And now a word from our sponsors...

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