Here Thar Be Monsters!

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14.2.11

Get Hosed! - The Movie

THE MUSIC SWELLS WITH A FULLY ORCHESTRATED MIDDLE EAST FLAVOR, A LA MARICE JARRE'S LAWRENCE OF ARABIA THEME.

THE SCENE: IT'S TWILIGHT IN THE DESERT, SOMEWHERE NEAR 'BFE.' A MILITARY APV IS RACING THRU THE SAND KICKING UP DUST AGAINST A BLOOD-RED SUNSET. THE CAMERA TRACKS AT A TANGENT SO THAT WE DRAW CLOSER AND CLOSER UNTIL WE CAN SEE THRU A SMALL PORTAL. THE VIEW IS AN OVER-THE-SHOULDER SHOT OF OUR HERO, 'HOSED.' THE SCENE TRANSITIONS TO INTERIOR APV IN A FLY-ON-THE-WALL SHOT.

TWO FIGURES SIT ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER. ONE IS AN AGING, BALDING MIDDLE EASTERN MAN IN AN ITALIAN SUIT LOOKING SOMEWHAT UNCOMFORTABLE. THE OTHER IS A NON-DESCRIPT MAN IN HIS EARLY 30s WEARING A BLACK SUIT AND OAKLEY SUNGLASSES. HE HAS AN EARPIECE IN HIS RIGHT EAR.

THEY JOSTLE AROUND A BIT AS THE VEHICLE SPEEDS ALONG.

HOSED: So what I'm gonna do now?

AGENT: Don't worry, sir. We have it all planned out. We're on our way to meet a transport, which will take you to South America.

HOSED: South America! What I'm gonna do there? They already have enough dictator. There's no place for me.

AGENT: We have retirement communities there, sir. Started them after WWII with the Nazis. You'll be quite comfortable.

HOSED: Nazis?! You mean Ich moos shtart shpeaking like dis jetzt?

AGENT: No, sir. It's not like that. There are many former nationalities there, including some of your fellow countrymen.

HOSED: Don't tell me you have ElBadguy there. I can't be in the same place with heem. You think I'm bad, he's worse from me.

AGENT: No, sir. We have other plans for ElBadguy. Now, here's some pocket money (HE SLIDES A LARGE BRIEFCASE ACROSS THE FLOOR), and the envelope has your new identity papers and cover story. We need you to memorize the story in every detail. Understood?

HOSED: How much money for my pocket you have here?

AGENT: There's a million in scrip and another million in gold bearer bonds. Should be enough to keep you going until we can make a show of freezing your assets, and then releasing them again.

HOSED: (READING THE PAPERS) What?! You want I should grow a beard? That's what you do to Saddam before you hang heem. Tell the driver stop, I will take my chance in the desert.

AGENT: Calm down, sir. You'll meet Saddam when you get to your destination. We hung one of his look-alikes. I assure you, he is doing quite well.

HOSED: Bismillah! You guys make good shows. I worry cause he is a friend with Boosh, and I think you don't remember your friend when you clean up your mess. I am friend with all your president since Gimmie. We all have good time together at Camp Dah-feed with that crazy Jew, I forget his name now.

AGENT: Begin, sir.
.
HOSED: That's right, now I remember. We make many good jokes around his name. "Shall we Beh-geen?" (HE LAUGHS)

AGENT: Sir, if I may, we need to talk about the plan. You are being taken to a special compound...

HOSED: What?! You give me special redition now? I see what you guys do to those poor farmers from Iraq. When you finish, they tell you their mother is Ethiopian if you ask them. No thanks!

AGENT: No, sir, it's not like that. You will live in the compound for a couple of years. I assure you, you will be quite comfortable. In the meantime, we will spin your image so that by the time you leave there, the world will see you as an elder statesman and hail your return.

HOSED: Oh, that's what we call the Clean-ton Special.

AGENT: Exactly, sir.

HOSED: How is Billy? I miss heem. We have many good times together in my har-eem.

AGENT: You'll see him where you're going, sir. We can't get him to leave the place. Seems he has a liking for brown girls.

HOSED: (LAUGHS) You tell me this?! The man is like camel in heat! We must put salt peter in the ice cream when he come.

AGENT: (LOOKS OFF) Yes, sir, we know.

HOSED: My family will be safe, yes?

AGENT: Don't worry, sir. Your sons are safe in London. We gave them cover jobs as taxi drivers. No one will notice them. Your wives have been given to the mob, as you requested, and your youngest daughters went straight to the Vatican, which was your agreement for safe passage.

HOSED: Good. My daughters are already 5 and 8. I worry if too old for the Vatican, but they tell me just right. So, I'm happy. (PAUSE) Wah! I almost forget George! How can I forget! He will kill me if I forget! You have follow my instructions, yes?

AGENT: Mr. Sore-ass received his...gratuity, sir. He is quite happy and sends his regards. He will come to check on you in South America after you get settled.

THE APV GRINDS TO A HALT AND THE REAR HATCH POPS OPEN. WE CUT TO EXTERIOR SHOT AND AS THE DUST CLEARS, WE SEE A GLEAMING G-4 PRIVATE JET WARMING UP ON A DESOLATE AIRSTRIP IN THE MIDDLE OF BFE. ARMED DARKWATER GUARDS STAND IN A CIRCLE AROUND THE AREA AND A 'SUIT' COMES OUT OF THE PLANE TO GREET 'HOSED.'

SUIT: Hosed! My old friend, how are you? Didn't get a scratch did you?

HOSED: Bammy! You come to meet me personally? The is big surprise!

BAMMY: Well, I couldn't let you think all that bad press about our relationship was true. You and I go back a long ways.

HOSED: Yes, yes, habibi. I remember when you come for training with the Company. You were so young then. I remember this like it's yesterday.

BAMMY: It WAS yesterday. (THEY BOTH LAUGH) OK, Hosed, I've arranged everything. You'll have a very nice villa in the mountains. You buddy Saddie is there. He lives just a few doors away. You'll have to share the harem, of course, especially when Bill comes down for vacation.

HOSED: Yes, yes, nothing new there, I think. What will be my new job?

BAMMY: Don't worry about that. Sore-ass and ElBadguy have things well in hand. You'll lay low for a time, while we spin your image. The Company will put someone even worse than you in The Seat, so when the time comes, you'll come out to return in triumph to broker the new leadership. We've been doing it for years.

HOSED: Yes, I see. You guys are very good at it, I think.

THEY ENTER THE PLANE TOGETHER. CUT TO INTERIOR - PLUSH WITH FOUR LEATHER RECLINING CHAIRS AND A SCANTILY-CLAD STEWARDESS OF INDETERMINATE NATIONALITY.

HOSED: (INSPECTS STEWARDESS) Bammy, Bammy. You know I like blonde, yes, but you bring me this one for such a long trip? She look like one of my wives!

BAMMY: Sorry, Hosed, but we're stocking your private reserve at the villa, so we were a little short on your vintage. I trust you can make do for 12 hours?

HOSED: I will find the way, I think. (THEY LAUGH)

BAMMY: Ok, Hosed. Sorry to be so short, but I have to jump on Air Farce One and get over to the planning session for the Iran invasion with our old fiend, Nuttin'-yahoo.

HOSED: Ah, Nuttin'-yahoo. Give him my salam, yes? I will miss him so much. He is close habib, you know.

BAMMY: I will, Hosed. Now get out of here before the Google Earth bird flies over. Last thing we need is more conspiracy theories. (THEY LAUGH) We'll be in touch. And don't worry, your Swiss account is safe. We shut it down and did a full accounting. You should be getting an email with the balance sheet any time now. The gold will be moved to your sovereign account at the World Bank in a couple of days.

HOSED: You're good man, Bammy. I never forget you, you know. You are like my own son, only darker. (THEY LAUGH AND KISS ON BOTH CHEEKS) You come to visit me, yes?

BAMMY: Of course! My retirement villa is just across the village from you. Don't worry!

HOSED: Ok, my friend, good enough. And don't forget our little joke, yes?

BAMMY: (LOOKS CONFUSED FOR A MOMENT) Oh! You mean, "Hu's on first?" (THEY LAUGH)

HOSED: That's it!

CUT TO EXTERIOR AS A LONE, SUITED FIGURE EXITS THE PLANE, SILOHUETTED AGAINST THE SETING SUN, WHICH STREAMS BENEATH THE BELLY OF THE PLANE, CASTING LONG SHADOWS TOWARDS THE CAMERA. THE ENGINES' PITCH CLIMBS AS IT TAXIS AWAY FROM THE FIGURE, HIS COAT FLAPPING IN THE WIND. THE FIGURE MOTIONS TO AGENT, WHO COMES TO HIS SIDE. WE CUT TO A TIGHT TWO-SHOT SO THAT FIGURE'S FACE FILLS THE RIGHT FRAME AND AGENT'S EAR FILLS THE LEFT FRAME.

FIGURE: Don't screw this up. The plane goes down right after refueling at the Canaries. Who's flying?

AGENT: Garcia's got it out of NORAD. We retasked two birds to have redundant coverage. Don't want any debris on land.

FIGURE: Good. I really hate that bastard. Get ElBadguy on the phone and let's get out of here. I'll be eating sand for days.

CUT TO A WIDE SHOT OF THE PLANE LIFTING OFF INTO THE SUN, SHIMMERING HEAT WAVES TRAILING BEHIND IT.

THE MUSIC SWELLS, SAME THEME AS THE OPEN, BUT WITH AN OMINOUS FEEL.

FADE TO BLACK.
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