Adalah Malam Belum Krismis

Adalah malam belum Krismis, when all through the rumah
Not a creature was keributan, not even a tikus.
The kaos kaki were hung in the dapur with care,
In hopes that Santa soon would be there.

The anak were nestled all snug in their tampat tidur,
While visions of ketoprak danced in their kepala.
And mamma in her jilbab, and I in my topi,
Had just settled our otak for a long monsoon tidur-tidur ayam.

When out in the jungle there arose such a bising,
I melompat dari tampat tidur to see what was the matter.
Away to the jendela I flew bercahaya,
Tore open the daun jendela and threw up the sash.

The sinar bulan on the breast of the new-fallen rain
Gave kilauan of mid-day to barang dibawa.
When, what di mata keheranan should appear,
But a miniature perahu, and eight kijang kecil.

With a pengemudi pendek, so lively and quick,
Aku tau dengan segara it must be St Nick.
Lebih cepat dari eagles his coursers datang,
And he peluit dan sorak, and called them by name!

"Berlari! Penari! Berjingkrak dan Betina!
Bintang! Asmara! naik Guntur dan Kilat!
Pendakian beranda, pendakain dinding!
Pendakian, pendakian, pendakian semua!"

As daun kering that before the wild monsoon terbang,
Ketika ketemu rintangan, mount to the sky.
So up to menatapi the coursers menerbangkan,
With perahu penuh oleh main-main, and St Nicholas too.

Tiba-tiba, in a twinkling, I heard on the menatapi
The berjingkrak-jingkrak of each little hoof.
As I tarikan kapalaku, and was turning around,
Down the corong dia dating serta lambungan.

He was dressed all in batik, from his head to his foot,
And his baju adalah abu-abut dan sulang.
A berkas of main-main dia memikul di punggung,
And he looked like a penjaja, just opening his pack.

His mata-how they twinkled! his lesung how merry!
His pipi were like bunga, his hidung like a ceri!
His mulut menggelikan was drawn up like a bow,
And jengotnya dagu was as white as the snow.

Tunggul pipa dia mengepalkan dengan gigi,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a rangkaian bunga.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a mangkuk sele!

He was gemuk and plump, a right ria old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A kedip mata and a angguk kapala,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing ketakutan.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And mengisi kaos kaki, then turned dengan sentakan.
And laying his finger di pinggang hidung,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

Dia lompatan dalam perahu, pada timnya peluit,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,
"Selamat Hari Natal semua, dan pada semua malam baik!"

Malam Minggu

Just flew in from Singapore, and boy are my arms tired!

It's Malam Minggu (Saturday night) in the Big Durien (hey, if New York can be the Big Apple, then Jakarta is the Big Durien) and I spent the whole day in S'pore meeting with some associates. I like to think of S'pore as the model Benign Fascist State. If you stay within the boundaries, life is pretty smooth and efficient, but if you step even one centemeter over The Line, watch out!

One advantage of going out is that I can hit the Duty Free, even though Indonesia's limits are a bit draconian. I can only bring in one liter of alcohol (liquor or wine, beer doesn't count) and 200 grams of tobacco, which means one carton of smokes, 50 cigars or 200 grams of cut leaf. Of course, I couldn't buy cigs any cheaper than Indonesia, even in North Carolina, so forget that. But I did manage a few Cubanos (eat your heart out Americans) and a liter of fine Scotch Whiskey. Altogether, my imports can't exceed US$250.

Now I haven't had a good bottle of Scotch Whiskey since I got here three years ago. When I got home, the wife couldn't sleep, even though she had a rough day at the rat races. So, I fixed her a traditional Irish lullabye: a good dram of whiskey, some sugar, some milk, and a couple of rocks. She's out like a light now. Indonesians are cheap dates. Takes about one shot of high octane to knock 'em out.

I'm going straight with two diamonds. It's good sippin' stuff, so I'm nursing it along with my cigar on the front porch.

The plane was about half full, which is unusual, but it's post-New Year and not yet Imlec (Chinese New Year), so things are quiet.

The Indonesian government recently released its people. For the longest time, there was a $100 tax by sea and a $250 tax if by air for a citizen to leave the country, if they didn't have an NPWP, which is the Indo version of the Social Security number. As of January 1st, the tax was repealed. Combined with a metric ton of cheap air fares, there's about to be a bunch of Indos flooding the global tourism offices.

The wife went down to renew her passport the other day and the mob was, well, a mob. This has basically taken the reigns off the Indo middle class. After all, the tax raised the price of a trip to S'pore 200% for the average Indo, who didn't have an NPWP.

Now, you might ask why good little citizens don't have tax numbers. Well, most Indo don't have a Social Security number. Most don't earn enough to pay tax, anyway. The few who do, earn enough to pay for all the rest. Such is an oligarchy.

The tax was designed to rip off foreigners who were exporting Indo maids, which is a global pasttime, even if you don't know about it. US tax laws prevent Americans from enjoying the luxuries that most of the rest of the world takes for granted. Kasihan deh loe.

The tax was penalizing the middle class, though, who don't have NPWP either. Recent developments, over the past ten years, have created a very properous middle class here in Indonesia, and they want to go out and see so world, too.

Anyway, the wife and I are taking advantage of the cheap airfares and her new-found freedom, to plan a trip to Hong Kong in April. We want to visit Kowloon Island and Macau Island. The package deal, with hotel, is $200/person, airfare and 4/3 in a four-star hotel. Could be worse.

I can get more of less the same deal to Phuket, Bangkok, Singapore, Ho Chi Min, Kuala Lumpur, and Taipei. For Bali, it's even cheaper, as in rediculous.

For you folks playing at home, you may want to check out AirAsiago.com, and see if you can't combine a package to get a cheap Asian vacation to exotic locations.

Damn! Just dipped my cigar in whiskey and a cool breeze kicked up. The neighborhood kids are in the park with their guitars wooing their pacar.

The house cat, Jeruk/Orange, slung a litter of milk-suckers Monday night. Give of them to be exact. Three greys, named Kerakatau, Merapi and Bromo (local volcanoes), a calico names Campur (mix), and another orange that I call JJ (Jeruk Juga, or orange also).

God is in His Heaven and all is right with the world.

Or is it?

Just to the south of me, in Queensland, they are having the test by fire, only with water. Brazil is under water. A good part of the States stand to me inundated when the thaw comes. Europe too. The economy is tanking. The world is flying apart at the seams. For some of us, it's the calm before the storm. For others, the storm hath arrived. For yet even others, the storm hath passed. What remains is the question of the hour.

My colleague Clif High, at HalfPastHuman.com has posted a recent article that we Asian dwellers would do well to read.

The cigar and whiskey are working their magic. The mind is open and the tongue is loose.

And so, the words and whiskey begin to flow. Who knows what will pop out next. A word of shameless promotion: if you need a writer with award-winning skills in multiple formats, drop a line to luap.jkt@gmail.com. Whether it's articles, scripts, copy, tech manuals, or really anything written, I promise to spell check before sending along. Word-smithing ain't just a job, it's a living!

And so, with that, I bid adieu. I'm going to finish my straight-two-diamonds and a fine cigar. And I'll leave you with this thought:

Cowboys are FROM Texas, but they ain't necessarily IN Texas.

Teaser: coming soon-review of "The Cosmic War," by Joseph P. Farrell, and an interview with webbot cowboys. Jack in, tune out and let the bits byte.

And while you're planning your home garden, don't forget the medicinal herbs.

Bits And Pieces

If you're a new reader, then Bits And Pieces are occasional articles where I just list some random observations that haven't yet become full-length stories. Generally, they are notes about life in Indonesia, which, believe me, is a trip in itself. Here goes, in no particular order...

Indonesians aren't big pet people. In a country where most people over 30 didn't own a pair of shoes until they were adults, having extra mouths to feed is just plain luxury. The most common pets I have encountered are turtles, I assume because they are quiet, don't poop a lot and don't eat a lot.

Cats are pretty popular, as far as that goes. Cats are mostly semi-wild, though, and wander the streets keeping an eye on the rat population. I was adopted by a kitten that was born on my porch. She's less than a year old and already in the family way herself. I do know a handful of people that keep pedigree cats, but they are not like house pets. Instead, they are kept in cages like birds or conversation pieces.

Strangely, about 80% of all cats in Indonesia have malformed tails. At first, I thought it was some kind of purposeful modification, like Doberman Pinsers, or a weird delicacy like cat tail soup. Tuns out it's just a peculiar defect, since I imagine the population of the islands is pretty isolated and inbred.

Dogs are almost unheard of, since Muslims concider them haram, or unclean, especially the saliva. Most of the dogs I know are not pets but food. A number of groups, including the Batak, Manadonese, Koreans, and Chinese, consider dog a delicacy. Having tried it, I must say that it's not bad, though I found it a bit chewy and bony for my taste. However, it is usually prepared very spicy, and that part I liked quite well.

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Indonesian culture views the liver, hati, in the same way Westerners view the heart. Where we use expressions like 'heart-to=heart,' 'have a heart,' 'the heart of the matter,' and so forth, Indonesians say things like, hati-hati for take care or be careful, di dalam hati, which literally means 'inside the liver,' but means the same as 'say to one's self.' Perhatian means 'attention,' and memperhatikan is the verb 'to take notice of' or 'be aware of.' Iri hati (jealous liver) is to covet, while berhati buruk (worn-out liver) is to be evil-minded.

There are literally dozens of expressions that refer various emotions directly back to the liver. What makes in interesting comparason is how Westerners view the liver. It is usually considered the seat of vile emotions and anger. We use expressions like, lily-livered, bile and gall, as well as calling someone 'yellow' or jaundiced when they are cowardly.

This language stuff gives me hours of entertainment...

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One thing that will absolutely panic an Indonesian is getting rain on the tops of their heads. If caught in a downpour without an unbrella, they will take any object to hand to cover the very top of their heads. In the same way Western mothers warn about wet feet, having rain fall on the top of your head makes you pusing, or dizzy/light-headed. It doesn't matter if it is a Biblical flood or the barest of drizzles, one must cover the top of the head.

No explanation why, when the average Indonesian takes two to three showers a day, it doesn't have the same effect as rainwater.

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Another common malady here is masuk angin, or 'wind enters.' There is a multi-million dollar industry built up over this one thing. It is blamed for any number of problems, such as stiff muscles, chills, headaches, colds, indigestion, and any of a dozen other common complaints.

One of the most entertaining events to the foreigner is watching masuk angin being treated. It usually begins with a massage, primarily around the neck and shoulders, using eucalyptus oil, or hayu putih (white wood). During this process, both parties sound like mating frogs, belching and farting with abandon.

This massage is followed by gerukan, or scratching. This is done with an object, traditionally a kind of sea sheel, but more commonly now with a coin. The edge is used to repeatedly scratch lines acros the back until they turn dark red. The color signifies that the 'wind' is being released, the darker the better. One must take care to do this right, or the wind will re-enter and the situation will be worse than before.

You can always tell when someone has been thusly treated: they reek like a eucalyptus forest and look like they've been flogged.

There is also a great many products, usually drunk, that reputedly cure masuk angin. There's Tolak Angin, or 'wind away,' which is a rather foul tea. There's Antangin, which is a more scientific formulation with menthol and other herbs in an orange-flavored matrix. There are various jamu, or traditional home remedies.

Nevertheless, there's a million dollar idea waiting to be had here. The person who comes up with a sure-fire prevention for wind will spend his or her life in the lap of luxury.

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There are many oxymorons in the Indonesian language, things like high-speed internet, air quality and fresh water. But one that is NOT on this list, at least here, is jumbo shrimp.

I was absolutely floored the first time I saw what they commonly call prawns. These suckers are the biggest damn shrimp I have ever seen! Some examples I have personally eaten would put a Maine lobster to shame.

These suckers are green and an average specimen can weigh in at about a pound EACH. I mean, imagine a meal in which there is only one shrimp on your plate, and it's enough! They look just like your average Gulf white shrimp, but using a magnifying glass.

I'm not talking about Thai tiger shrimp that are becoming popular in the States. Those are respectable, to be sure, at 5-10/pound. But these boogers got 'em beat! Using the common scale back home (10-15, 15-20, etc.), these would be labelled 1-2. They are delicious, and if you're a shrimp lover, then this is Nirvana, to be sure.

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Well, that's it for now. All this talk of shrimp makes me want to run up to the market and get one. I invite readers to send in questions or comments about anything they read here. I've gotten some fascinating email, and I always anwer, even if I'm a little slow sometimes. If there's a topic you'd like to know more about, just let me know and I'll gladly bang out a future column on the topic.

Thanks for tuning in and sampai jumpa!