Faery Tales For Conspiracy Theorists

Let's engage in a little wild-eyed speculation, shall we?

The following is a complete flight of fancy set out in a fictional narrative.  The names and places are completely made up and any resemblance to real persons, places or events is purely coincidental, just like all the relationships mentioned herein.

Two men named George Floyd and Derek Chauvin worked at the same club, El Nuevo Rodeo, for 17 years.  Chauvin was a police officer in the 3rd Precinct located a short distance away from the club.  Both men worked security a the club.

The former owner of the club, Maya Santamaria (an assumed name) has a Spanish name but a Jordanian passport.  She sold the club in 2019, just months before the catalytic incident.

Maya Santamaria was a socialite, with many photos of her with prominent members of society floating around the internet, and a Twitter account that was followed by a cast of local, state and national figures prominent in the Obama administration and/or the 2016 Clinton campaign.  Two of the names that have been mentioned are John Brennan and Tony Podesta.  There doesn't appear to be a compelling reason for such individuals to know of or follow a bar owner's account, unless the margaritas there were legendary.

Maya Santamaria also had the distributorship for Inca Kola, a popular product of Peru.  Peru is known by the US Secret Service for producing some of the best counterfeit dollar notes in the world.  George Floyd passed a counterfeit dollar note the day he died.

Both Jordan and Peru are also a major global hubs for human trafficking of women and children.

Inca Kola is delivered from the Port of New Orleans or Seattle to Minneapolis via Canadian National railway, which is owned by Bill Gates.

Derek Chauvin worked for the Minneapolis police for several years.  His record of questionable killings and rights violations is rather long, including an incident where he and other officers unloaded 47 shots in 15 seconds into a suspect's car.  Despite a number of cases being referred for prosecution, then-Hennepin County attorney Amy Klobuchar refused to press charges against him, almost as if he were being protected.

George Floyd, on the day of his death, went into a convenience store and made a purchase with a counterfeit $20 bill.  The store clerk called the police, not because of the funny money, but because Floyd returned to his car and sat there 'acting strangely'.  By pure coincidence, Floyd's co-worker at the El Nuevo Rodeo, one Derek Chauvin, arrived to answer the call.

Seeing that his co-worker was clearly not himself, Chauvin did not call EMT services, but rather dragged Floyed out of the car, cuffed him, then applied strong pressure to the back of Floyd's neck before someone called an ambulance.

When the ambulance arrived, video shows at least two of the men who got out appearing to be dressed in police uniforms.  There was no attempt to resuscitate Floyd at the scene.  Rather the ambulance occupants checked his pulse and immediately placed him on a gurney and drove him away.  Floyd was declared dead at the hospital.

In the riots that ensued after Floyd's death, two of the early targets of arson were the El Nuevo Rodeo club and the 3rd Precinct police station, where Chauvin was assigned.  Reports say the police abandoned the station with little resistance, and the evidence cage was ransacked before the fire.

Nearly all of the race riots in the US have occurred in cities and states dominated by members of the Democrat Party, including Minneapolis and Minnesota.  Strangely, many of those cities are served by the Canadian National railway.

It's a good thing all of this is a work of fiction, told by conspiracy theorists to their children at bedtime.  If a story like this were real, it would have profound implications for the death of George Floyd, the reason why Derek Chauvin was first on the scene and directly proximal to Floyd when he died.  It would also not look good for someone like Amy Klobuchar, a US Senator, a recent presidential candidate and currently on the short list as Joe Biden's running mate.

Furthermore, it would be very curious that so many political figures were connected to Maya Santamaria's social media and social club, and that Santamaria had connections to both Peru and Jordan, including a business relationship that involved shipping from Peru to Minneapolis via Bill Gates' railway.

It's also highly unlikely that two nations known as major hubs for human trafficking would have tangential connections to these events.

Certainly, none of this would ever happen in the real world.  That would be too strange.  It's even hard to swallow as a faery tale.

After all, crooked police never run protection rackets for crime rings, and crooked attorneys never cover for the crooked cops, and the chances that the two locations with potential evidence of crimes would never burn down in strange riots that seem to spring up out of nowhere during a global pandemic.

It all just stretches credulity to the breaking point.

Asses v. Dumbos - An American Ritual

Q has decided to take a little vacation since 10/10/18, leaving the Qniverse high and dry, and Q-vians scrambling for something to talk about during the run-up to the US mid-term elections.  Fear not, though, the acolytes assure us that Q is considerately refusing to add fodder to the GeezerMedia slop trough.

Not that there's been any shortage of things to entertain and enthrall.  One week, it was the crashing economy, then it was the mad MAGA bomber, now it's the Trump-hating synagogue shooter, and through it all has been the Central American invasion force now making its way through Mexico.  And who can forget the brilliant fiasco that was Elizabeth Warren's DNA test?

Honestly, even Kurt Vonnegut couldn't make this stuff up, and he came close in Cat's Cradle and Slapstick.

The Federal Reserve (which is neither) and Wall Street have been doing their level best to crater the US economy, which has been steaming along at a (reported) 3.5% growth rate, which is the best showing since George W. (Shrub) Bush allowed the World Trade Center to be demolished.  They even tried puffing up oil prices until that gadfly of US politics, Libya, started pumping again.

The bastast...I mean banksters have been pulling their money out of the markets, which promptly rebound.  They've raised interest rates, forcing folks to pay cash for everything - which they apparently have now.  The banksters have even tried blowing up oil prices, which turned right around and crashed again.

Just cain't win fer losin', my pappy always said.

The MAGA bomber was a real knee-slapper.  Get a load of the name: Cesar Altier Sayoc.  You know he's a lone nutcase because he has THREE names.  I'm holding my cramping sides and wiping tears from my eyes on this one.

A registered Democrat voter from Debbie Wasserman Schultz' district in Florida, who is apparently related to Elizabeth "Pocahontas" Warren, abuses steroids and recently plastered his van in pro-Trump paraphernalia (despite everyone else who does this being attacked by Bumbledick hordes), and hangs around locker-room showers, decided to build a bunch of movie-prop bombs and send them to every Democrat in danger of being prosecuted for high crimes and misdemeanors.

The best part is that some of the packages were reported to have arrived at the homes of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, in defiance of the fact that folks like this do not receive any mail at the their homes (it all goes through government security checks first).  This guy knew all the tricks, it would seem.

The best part is that this mental pygmy left fingerprints and DNA all over the place, as if he wanted the media to find his pro-Trump paraphernalia.  Obviously, that would be the furthest thing from his mind, since no one but a patsy would want that kind of attention if they were serious bombers, right?

And speaking of Elizabeth Warren, this Queen of Politcal Comeuppance went and shot herself in both feet by getting a DNA test and releasing the results, showing that she might have had a distant relative several hundred years ago that was at least part North American indian.  This Bumbledick genius highlighted the cultural insanity that is Political Correctness and exposed the silliness of Affirmative Action all with one tiny vial of blood or spit swab, whichever.

This, of course, was an insult to my children who are 1/8th Lipan Apache and have a photograph of great-grandmother to prove it.

Next, in the past few hours, some bozo walked into a Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, synagogue and shot up the place, killing 11 people and injuring some number of others.  I particularly enjoy the delicious irony of the headline: Vigils Held for Shooting Victims, considering "vigil" is the first office of the day among old-time Catholics.

This story, of course, is being touted as symptomatic of the "hate" that is swelling in America under Donald Trump, even though the shooter was anti-Trump and he lived in a part of the country experiencing phenomenal growth due to Trump's trade war with Asia (see steel industry in the US).

Running like woven rattan through all of this goofiness is the so-called Honduran Caravan, which is reportedly a bunch of women and children seeking refuge from oppression at home, despite having walked through at least two other neighboring countries on their way to the US border and the fact that nearly all unedited and unfiltered photographs show thousands of well-dressed and well-fed fighting-aged men riding on flatbed trailers. 

None of the GeezerMedia are asking the obvious question - how are these "untrained" refugees making better time on a 2,000-mile march than a well-trained and supplied army?

It's a bloody Bumbledick Miracle!

Apparently, no one gets the joke about calling this group of soldie...er, refugees a "caravan," since the word originates from the Persian (Iran) word karwan, and comes to English via the Arabic word qairawan, meaning "a group of desert travelers."  Considering how many ISIS militants are reported to be embedded in the horde, this bit of delicious irony does not escape our notice.

The jaw-dropping lunacy of contemporary American politics is without comparison to anything I can think of in history.  Not only is it glaringly transparent, it is just, well...silly.  Hell, even a Californian dunderhead Irishman with an Hispanic nickname is being touted as a serious contender for a Texas Senate seat, despite the fact that all his money is coming from Hollywood.

You know the elections are going to be fun, because the pollsters (who so successfully predicted Hillary Clinton's landslide win in 2016) have begun backing off their Blue Wave Democrat groundswell, just exactly the way they did in the last two weeks leading up to the Trump victory.

I personally subscribe to neither the Bumbledicks nor the Bucketheads.  I rather view them something like those corporations (can you say Procter & Gamble?) that sell the exact same products under a premium and a low-cost brand, so that you get the same result while paying for vaporous perception and image.

If I were forced to choose at gun-point, which may happen sooner than later, I would have to go with the Bucketheads, since the Bumbledicks have become little more than a punchline on the Blessed Assurance end of the Universe.  At least the Bucketheads act like they're serious - a feature that is probably more dangerous, in any event.

As happens regularly during the US political cycle, I remind readers to find a copy of P. J. O'Rourke's brilliant book, Don't Vote, It Just Encourages the Bastards.  Though it's hard to be funnier than the Bumbledicks, this book gives them a good run for the money, and will return more to the buyer than any campaign donation.

It might also be time to dust off those old Christopher Hitchens books to remind ourselves that there is nothing new under the Sun.

I would admonish the gentle reader to pray for the welfare of the nation, but that would violate every fiber of my constitution.  Instead, let us turn to Lysander Spooner and recall that the US has been a joke since nearly the moment of its birth.  One thing I do appreciate about Donald Trump, is the perpetual smirk on his face, belying the fact that he, too, knows it's all a perverse limerick. 

Both Sides Agin The Middle

I spend a lot of time apologizing for Merica, even though I'm not Merican (I'm Texan).

Honestly, the world sees Merica as a bunch warlords out to conquer the world with bombs and McDonald's. The bombs may not work, but McD's has a fighting chance to destroy Life As We Know It (LAWKI).

To be fair, Mericans are completely bamboozled by Madison Ave. and modern marketing techniques. Since mass media is not a required subject in college, the unwashed masses have no idea what beast they unleash in their very homes every time they flip on the teevee. They don't consume media, so much as get consumed by it. The All Seeing Eye invades their domains and subverts their reasoning in ways they can't even imagine.

Politics is just one commodity that is stuffed down the collective throat of Mericans. How many times has someone said to you, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results?" How many times have you nodded and smiled knowingly, as if you agree with the statement? How many times have you voted for a republican or a democrat? Are you not, by definition, insane?

Imagine, if you will, that Merica is the Titanic. She's going down by the bow (republican). Someone yells, "Hey, everyone go to the back of the boat to balance it out!" So, you all run to the stern only to notice the ship going down the other way. And so this theater of the absurd continues, with everyone running fore or aft, trying to balance the ship out, while all the time the ship continues to sink. No one seems to be able to come up with any other plan but to run back and forth.

Last time, it was democrats who were sent to save us from Bush with pockets full of Hope and Change. We got neither in abundance. Before that, it was the republicans who were to save us from Clinton and return decorum (i.e.-keep the peccadilloes hidden). Look how well that turned out. Before that, it was Reagan, and before that Carter, and before that Nixon...it just goes on and on for decades.

Nothing ever changes. The ship continues to sink and eventually, it will snap in half, just like the Titanic, before it becomes an historical curiosity and hit film, with DiCapprio's grandson reprising the role of whatever the character's name was.

Whenever the subject of third parties comes up, the most heard response is, "But they can't win. I want to be on the side of a winner." Well, guess what folks? You lose. It doesn't matter who wins the titles, everyone loses because no one will get in the lifeboats.

I distinctly told everyone I knew to avoid Bush like the plague. He's evil, I said. He's braindead, I said. But no, everyone wanted to be on the winning side, and besides, he had to be better than Clinton, right? Your honor, I wish to present Exhibit A: History. Don't vote for Obama, I said. We know next to nothing about him and the marketing is just too slick and too Madison Ave. Oh no, had to be on the winning side, didn't you? And he HAD to be better than Bush, right? Your honor, I wish to present Exhibit B: History.

Do you see a pattern here? If people had memories longer than their pinkie fingers, this might be a different world. Heck, if they just installed a firewall that catches 85% of the BS that comes out of the All Seeing Eye, they might be able to reason just slightly better than now. I mean, look how this works...the global economy is tanking, there are wars and disasters raging everywhere, Obama is driving us straight into a train wreck, BP et al. are sliming the landscape, and there are cosmic cataclysms coming that would make your hair turn white overnight. What makes news? What, of all these horrors steals the headlines? Some Bible-thumping idiot in Florida who wants to burn some books.

I hate to say it, but it bears repeating. Mericans are INSANE.

The funniest part is he never burned them. His marketing was done, his flock swelled. He got global headlines. Didn't even need to whip out his Zippo.

Fools...idiots...clowns.

The whole freaking world is insane, really. Everyone snapped the BS, hook, line and sinker. I mean, it just seems so obvious to me. Why can't others see it? It's like a giant pep rally back in high school. Get everyone all whipped into a lather and then point to some manufactured enemy, then while everyone is busy jumping up and down over there, the crooks are emptying the safe and getting off scot clean. Is it just because I spent my first career making propaganda that I can see it? Or is it because I refuse tp pop doggie-downers? Maybe all those years of pot and shrooms actually protected my mind from being overrun by mediots (media idiots...if you use it you owe me).

It's so simple. It's a 3-step program, so it's even easier than AA. Unplug the teevee, stop doing what you're told and vote for a third party. That's it. So simple. Not a shot fired and yet the Earth will shake from the reverberations.

Think it will happen?

Pass the Xanax, dude. I almost woke up.