Here Thar Be Monsters!

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Universe Has The Last Laugh

Well we know where we're going
But we don't know where we've been
And we know what we're knowing
But we can't say what we've seen
And we're not little children
And we know what we want
And the future is certain
Give us time to work it out
-Road To Nowhere, Talking Heads

One of the best arguments against Evolution I can think of is that we have been given eyes in front of our heads and 20/20 hindsight.

If evolution were a real phenomenon, then we would have two pairs of eyes, front and back, and be able to view future events at least one hour ahead. Think of all the hazards to survival we could avoid if we could see just a few minutes into the future. We could see the immediate consequences of an action or decision. We could have forewarning of impending doom. We would know if that puddle was a massive pothole that would swallow us. We would know if the girl we are chasing is really the best mate for us, or just another battle-axe waiting to chop off our crown jewels.

It is a Supreme Joke that we go through life with a fogged windshield and crystal clear rear-view mirrors. Yet, we are given eyes to see what's ahead and are blind from the back. It's as if Loki has been given free reign to play with the Universe, to make us blind where we have eyes and eyes where we are blind.

We go through life never really knowing what's ahead, yet when we look back at where we've been, it all makes perfect sense, or at the least we can perceive the chain of evidence. If some random Nature had really wanted us to survive, we wouldn't know regret and we would mostly die from old age and the world would generally be a pleasant place where people lived in relative harmony and sang "Kumbaya" a lot.

In Sumatra, if you go into the jungle, you must wear a mask on the back of your head. Apparently, tigers will not attack from the front, and if confronted by a tiger, you can stare it down. By wearing the mask, they think it's your face, and so will not attack you either way. Doesn't it make sense that a random Nature would endow us with a metaphysical face on both sides of our head so that we are not attacked by vicious future events? If you looked at a spot and envisioned the house you wanted to build there, sure would be handy if you could see it being destroyed by Nature ahead of time. Agreed?

Steven Hawking recently announced that God is no longer needed as Creator of the Universe, while Albert Einstein predicated that God does not play dice with the Universe. They are both wrong. There is an infinitely amused God and He most certainly loves a little chaos. How else can you explain seven billion creatures wandering through life with eyes wide shut?

This makes sense because if you read the Bible, you will repeatedly encounter the phrase, "Let he who has eyes to see..." You can almost picture Zeus upon the Throne of Heaven thumbing His Nose at us with a Supreme Smirk on His Lips. It's almost like the mean kid down the street who likes to tape cats' paws or give dogs peanut butter, and then laugh his fool head off at the ensuring antics.

Throughout history, there have been diviners, seers, prognosticators, and profits. People have turned to the stars, the cards and tea leaves to try and augur future events. Some have had better than random results, but most are useless at foretelling more than, "I see a meal in your future," which works as long as the listener lives until dinner time. When it does work, I generally picture God sitting there, like Mickey Rourke in "Barfly," scratching a cheap bottle of Old Future with His Ring saying, "This far and no further." The He kicks back with a couple of the angels and watches another hilarious episode of the Seven Billion Stooges.

There is a God and He does indeed play dice with the Universe. He uses loaded dice, to boot. We know this because Evolution would have given us the ability to see bad things coming. We would all be endowed with Spidy-Sense and there would be no victims of disasters and no bad marriages (often the same thing). There would be no rendom occurances and everyone would be filthy rich because they all would have bought into the Apple IPO and picked up some Microsoft shares on the cheap. In fact, there wouldn't be a need for stock markets and banksters, since we'd all know which ideas are the best and which will pay us the biggest return. There wouldn't be a need for government, because we'd all be able to see, without the benefit of hindsight, that governments are always the most egregious enemies of peace and rights.

Yes, history itself is the best argument against evolution and in favor of the Supreme Jester. History is replete with examples of people walking head-first into their future and dying from the resulting injuries. We have enshrined the fact with axioms such as, "20/20 hindsight," and "Hold my beer and watch this..."

In the end, as my brilliant students have rightly pointed out, this is the day after yesterday, and really that's all we can be absolutely sure of, and even that is in question. After all, doesn't a magician make money by showing you that you don't even know what's in front of you at this very minute? Ultimately, history is written by the victor, the present can be altered before your eyes, and the future, well...ain't nobody knowin' that. Thus, it's all an illusion not to be taken too seriously, since Loki is in charge and all is wrong with the world. Pandora should be so lucky.

As the Joker said in The Dark Knight, "They all have a plan, but I don't have a plan. I just do."

Kinda Buddhist, I think.

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