The Far Out Side

t\Here at the Far Side, we like to think of ourselves as "we," even though we are but a lone nut sitting at a laptop somewhere in the jungles of Borneo, sending our observations of the Universe out to anyone who can sit still long enough to read them.

There we were, paddling up the Sebuku River, looking for the legendary Mount Pentyieanga, home of the elusive Pamingir people. Sightings are extremely rare and most never return, because one is required to duck down and cover one's eyes when passing through the villages lest one see one of the women bathing in the river. If this happens, one must marry her immediately. After that, you may leave the village, but your Family Jewels must stay until you return. Needless to say, most chose not to leave.

We were still wearing our tiger mask (worn on the back of the head because tigers won't attack your face side) from the Sumatra safari. From a distance, this was mistaken for us taking a look, and well, the rest is history. Fortunately, we were able to tell the local chief which beautiful young lady we had seen bathing (even though she was 4 kilometers away at the time, but hey...).

As it turns out, we are pretty good at basket weaving, so we have cornered the market on burial bags in this region of the jungle. We tried our hand at poison darts for a while, but after the paralysis wore off, we chose a somewhat safer line of work. We had a brief stint as a fire walker, but we couldn't succeed in getting the fire to take even a single step. We get the occasional fish or two for our stirring renditions of Beatles favorites (known locally as De Bitels). Our wife is so happy with our success that she gave birth to yet another budding film and TV star (inside joke...you have to be Indoensian).

So we were out with the gang hunting endangered species the other day, when we ran into our seventh brother-in-law from our third wife (we spend a lot of time at the river, you see). He told us that an Indonesian had been elected president of the USA. We were shocked, of course. We just couldn't imagine anyone eating kerupuk in the Oval Office while singing karaoke. We just hope he keeps his hands off the maids.

So we know what you're thinking...how does some lone nut get internet in the darkest parts of Borneo? We're still trying to figure that one out, as well. After all, we're still using last year's shell phones, for cryin' out loud! We're in talks with several Middle East courntres to buy all their Blackberries after they ban them. Then we just have to figure out how to charge the little buggers.

After the last volcanic eruption, we lost most of our coffee crop, so we started chewing cocoa leaves, which we found gives a much better bang for the buck. It came in handy when we woke up one morning, face to face with a Kymoto dragon. We must have downed about a kilo of leaf by the time we passed Jesse Owens.

Speaking of volcanoes, the village was preparing for the annual throw-the-virgin-in-the-lava-pit festival, known locally as Orang Terkutuk. Our first wife volunteered. We pointed out one problem with the idea and she just growled at us. We were kind of happy to see her go after that. It was a very nice fastival this year. Good music and dancing, and the flames reached almost 30 meters high. We have a theory about that, but we have a rule about mentioning Satan's name around our house.

Last Saturday night, we screened Michael Jackson's (no the OTHER one) remake of King Kong. We had forgotten that it was set in Borneo. The entire village had a great laugh, because those native costumes when out after Fay Wray. We keep a necklace of crocodile teeth by the door, but only because it was a wedding gift from my fourth father-in-law.

Well, we think that's enough for tonight. We just finished a huge place of fried wolf bat and can hardly move. We've got wives 2, 3 and 4 working the whole massage thing, so looks like we'll call it a day here. We just wanted to get a note out to anyone who wants to come visit (PLEASE!!!), we'll keep the candle burning for you. We highly recommend an air drop, since they can't tell if you saw the bathing hole when you're 10,000 feet up. Be sure to call ahead so we can neutralize the deathtraps that surround the village.

Oh, and if you can't make it here (SOON!), be sure and check out our Amazon book selection. Some good stuff in there that will help you avoid our predicament.

Sampai jumpa!

That means, "Help us!" in the local dialect.