Here Thar Be Monsters!

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Darkness At The Break Of Noon

Well, we’re pretty excited here on the Far Side.  We get a world premier bit of news because we’re connected, baby.

To set this up, we have to admit that we are a closet Trekkie.  Have been since childhood watching the original series in first run.  Of course, we’ve kept up with all the later stuff, like the movies and follow-on series, though we weren’t crazy about Voyager and Deep Six Nine.  But, we had the dutiful premier party for the premier of The Next Generation back in our college days.

Over the years, we tried to get on crew for the various movies.  I was one of those things, you know.  The two times we might have gotten in, we were locked into other productions.  Though it was tempting to walk off, that would have crushed our career, and some things just aren’t worth it.

At any rate, we were blow away by the new movie series.  The cast was perfect and the back-story was a kick.  Whoda thunk “Bones” didn’t refer to McCoy being a doctor?  At any rate, we’ve been hungry for the sequel, waiting now for four long years for some more trekking into…well, darkness.

So anyway, we were sitting around cleaning up the computer and doing other meaningless stuff the other day when Skype went off.  It was “Tubs” Roy, our old buddy from the film daze.  Couldn’t believe it!  We haven’t talked to Tubs in a decade.  Last time we saw him, we were hacking our way through the jungles of Puerto Rico shooting the Flintstones.  It was hard to believe he was still alive, after all, he was probably personally responsible for supporting a number of Peruvian family plantations.  But, if the Stones can be planning a new tour, why not…right?

“Dude!  You’re still alive?” we asked incredulously.

“Love you too, man.  What’s up with you?”
“I’m living in Indonesia now.  Just working on my writing and living large,” we boasted.
“Indonesia?  What the hell are you doing there?  Didn’t you get enough tropical diseases on Flintstones?” he prodded.  He’ll never let us live down the emergency-level dysentery we nearly died from.
“Ain’t that bad, dude.  They got world class women here.  Even married one.”
“You got married again?” he choked.  “Didn’t get enough punishment from the last three?”
“Call me an optimist.  Fourth time’s a charm, right?  So, what the hell did you look me up for?”
“Dude, we just wrapped pick-ups for Star Trek,” he teased.
“WHAT?!  You got on crew for Trek?  You bastard,” we said with genuine, heartfelt sincerity.
“Yeah.  It was pretty righteous.  I like doing FX gigs.  Lots of green screen.  Can spend more time in A/C,” he opined.  He was making us work for it.  He knew what we wanted.  He knew it was the whole reason he called.
He knew what millions of fans are chewing the scenery to find out.  And he wasn’t going to just come out and tell us.  We had to work for it.

“So?!  What’s the dirt?  You know I’m going to ask and I know it’s the only reason you would call me after a decade,” we said bluntly.

“Oh come on, dude.  You know I love you.  That’s why I hauled your butt to the toilet for three days when you were dying,” he said.  He had a point, but so did we.

“True, but come on.  I know you’re dying to spill it.  I’m probably the 3,639th person you’ve called to give the gory details, right?” we prompted.

“Naw, dude.  Just you and my mother is all.  I know you can keep a secret, cause they’ll emasculate me and steal my first-born if it gets around that I leaked,” he whispered.  We figured he wasn’t exaggerating too much.
“You know I won’t spill, dude.  I wouldn’t do that to you,” we lied.  We are not above lying when it comes to juicy material.
“OK, chief…you sitting down?”
“Yeah yeah…just start dishing, dude,” we growled.
“OK, the Vulcans find the perfect planet to resettle, but it happens to be dead center of the Neutral Zone.  Well, this kinda pisses off the Romulans and the Klingons and it sets off a major cool battle scene.  Dude, this battle scene will blow you away.  I saw about 10 seconds of it and it blew me away,” he teased.
“Go on, don’t stop now,” we prompted.
“OK, well, the Romulans pull out this super weapon that no one knew about  and it blows the Enterprise clear to the edge of the galaxy.  At this point, Cumberbatch, who’s playing Gary Mitchell…you remember that character, right?” he asked.
“Of course!  Third episode of the first season,” we said.  “He gets zapped and turns into a god with unlimited powers.”
“Yup.  So anyway, he’s really pissed and takes over the Enterprise to start kicking butt on the Romulans, ‘cause they blew up Vulcan and damn near wiped out the crew with the super bomb.”

“So it’s like a vengeance thing with Gary going ape with god-powers while everyone is doing the war dance around a planet in the neutral zone that the Vulcans want to use as a new homeworld?” we recounted.
“That’s about right, dude,” Tubs said flatly.

But wait…we had one big question.

“So what about Khan?” we asked.  “Everyone keeps saying Khan shows up in this flick.”
Tubs sighed, “Yeah, I keep getting that question, but dude, he ain’t in it.  This guy Gary is the big heavy.”
“So is the planet the same one that was in Star Trek V: The Final Failure?” we inquired.
“I don’t think so.  Never thought about that.  Hell, maybe it is,” Tubs said distractedly.
“So are there any good FX, you know, like battles and stuff?”

“Who knows, dude.  Anymore it’s all green screen.  Boring as hell, ‘cause all we do is sit on our ass for eight hours and occasionally get to throw some junk for explosions,” Tubs lamented.  “After they went to green screen, working on movies wasn’t fun anymore.  Lighting’s a cinch.  Ain’t no sets.  You know that scene with Spock that J.J. showed on Conan?”

“Yeah, three frames of Spock inside a volcano,” we laughed.
“Yeah, well all we saw was Zac banging around in a silver suit.  The only fun was flagging lights to look like fire and stuff,” Tubs said.

“Do you think it’s going to be good?” we asked hopefully.
“Oh dude, it’s non-stop action and some serious babage.  J.J.’s not shy about throwing flesh around, even in Star Trek.  This ain’t your daddy’s Enterprise, you know,” he mused.  “If I still had my right thumb, I’d give it two thumbs up.”  Tubs lost his thumb in a rigging accident on Superman IV.

“Cool, well we’re ready!” we enthused.

“Yeah, cool.  Ok, I gotta run.  Still have to call about 20 other people and fill ‘em in.” he said.

“Aren’t you supposed to be under some kind of gag order or something?” we asked.
“Of course!  So we never talked.  Later dude.”  The screen went blank.

So, we’re not telling anyone about this, just remember that.  You didn’t read it here.  And isn’t it cool that we didn’t get this information while talking on a video link to the other side of the world, just like in Star Trek?

We are such a nerd sometimes.