Thank You, Jussie!

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In all the recent hubbub over the Jussie Smollett Incident, we have forgotten one important civil duty: to thank him for his public service.

While he has done his job with great aplomb - entertaining the masses - and there has been a great amount of focus placed on his Emergency PR efforts and his Surgical Legal Team, no one has done this one simple act of politeness.

So let me be the first.  Thank you, Jussie, for making complete buffoons out of the elite.

If I were being paid (well) by Jussie to formulate his PR revival, I would have a much different take on things, and one that would likely work if handled properly (as only I can).

To place my disclaimer up front, I want to let Jussie know that I am available for consultation.  My contact information is at the top of this page.  My fees are far more reasonable than his current clueless PR Masseuses, and I am a lot better at it than they apparently are.

You see, Jussie did us all an enormous public service.  He exposed the GeezerMedia bias and the idiocy of the Nattering Celebrity Nay-bobs far better than Trump has done in the past three years, and Jussie did it in one night.

On a winter's night at well below zero in Chicago (a.k.a. the Windy City), Jussie had to have been bundled up like an Eskimo on night watch.  Any part of his flesh exposed to that kind of cold would have been frost bitten before he got to the Subway shop several blocks away, much less on the return trip to his apartment.  If you spit at that temperature, you can hear it crackle as it freezes before it hits the ground.

Furthermore, his sandwich would have been frozen solid within minutes of stepping outside, making it a formidable weapon, not to mention that the "bleach" the assailants carried would have been a solid block of ice, making it a far better assault weapon than naked hands (remember the scratches?) in sub-zero temps.

That anyone would have been waiting around at 2am on a night like that on the off chance that a gay black male would be trundling to the sandwich shop stretches credulity far beyond the breaking point.  That they would have been wearing exposed MAGA hats without an enormous fur-lined hood over them further seals the absurdity of the situation.  That they would say, "This is MAGA country," in Deep Blue Chicago is but the frozen cherry on top.  That they would have been prepared with a rope tied in a noose for just such an occasion is laughably ridiculous.

As if to add that extra touch that turns comedy into sublime satire, Jussie even wrote a check in the precise amount of $3,500 to pay the two men for their star turns as type-cast muggers.  If I were advising Jussie, I would even have put "hate crime services" on the memo line of the check.

The more of these preposterous details one adds up, the more this whole thing sounds like a Buster Keaton skit, or given the number of people involved, perhaps the Three Stooges.

Here at the Grover & Assoc. Spin Doctors and White Wash Specialists, we would have immediately jumped on these details and turned the narrative around.

Jussie, in fact, had set out to spoof the Geezer Media and troll the Nattering Celebrity Nay-bobs.  He had set up a scenario so blazingly farcical that only a gaggle of hypocritical, unthinking drones would fall for it - and they did with great fury!  Jussie's sole purpose was to show how uncritical and reactionary these over-paid, stuffed-shirt waggle-tongues are.

In fact, Jussie had contacted his manager a few weeks before to outline the plan (quick, get the manager on the phone to align the story), though to his credit, the manager said it might go wrong.  Jussie should have listened to him.

Yes, Jussie was trying to send a message to the whole country that the Progressive SJW Busybodies had gone 'round the bend.  They needed to be exposed, and Jussie, with his profound sense of public duty, had concocted a plan to do just that.

Perhaps Jussie went a bit too far with the waterworks on national TeeVee.  Perhaps he should have brought Chicago police in on the spoof a bit earlier.  But Jussie throws himself on the mercy of the Court of Public Opinion, and is willing to suffer any indignity as a Supeme Act of Selflessness for having done such a valuable service to society.

I don't know where Jussie found his PR team, but they aren't worth a frog's fart in a hurricane.  They certainly know nothing about spinning a good story out of bad cloth.  I'm here for you, Jussie, like a Bernays-inspired ambulance chaser!  Not only can I salvage your reputation, but I can make you the victim once again, this time of the Geezer Media with their deep, deep pockets.  Just ask the Covington Teens.

It is a sad statement on the American political environment that a man of highly average intelligence with a fairly average career could and would conjure up such a laughably obnoxious story such as this to earn SJW Brownie Points.

It's even sadder that this perfectly average man of perfectly average intelligence didn't have a back-up plan - so sure was he that this cockamamie story would actually fly.

He couldn't have waited another two months for more temperate climate?  He couldn't have hired two actual white guys wearing actual MAGA hats...better yet - KKK hoods with MAGA scribbled on them with Magic Market?  Hell, if Jussie had engaged us beforehand, we would have at LEAST put the assailants in whiteface to complete the utter insanity.

He couldn't have withdrawn cash over a period of several weeks rather than write a check for the assailants' services?

Given the overwhelming preponderance of goofs, gaffs and giggles in this story, who wouldn't believe that Jussie was staging a send-up to expose America's tender underbelly?  In fact, if Jussie were to hire me as his PR Savior, I would have every MAGA-loving red-stater on his side in about 10 minutes.  He would be assured of fame and fortune.  He'd likely be hired as a Fox News commentator by the end of next week.

Instead, Jussie has doubled, tripled and even quadrupled down on his story, and it's sinking faster than a cement-covered granite block.  It seems that his Ace Legal Team and PR Patchers are so ideologically hide-bound that they too can't find the right angle on this.  Instead, Jussie is paying them to dig him deeper into the morass.

Regardless of how Jussie spins this story, though, or what his ultimate fate will be, we do owe him a debt of gratitude.  He not only made monkeys of the Geezer Media, but he got the Glitterati of Hollywood and the Sour Creme of Washington scrambling to scrub their Tweets and add the word "alleged" to their pitifully limited vocabularies.

This has been one of the finest Circuses of Unintended Consequences ever devised by Mankind, and the tickets were absolutely FREE!

Jussie, I hear ANTIFA is looking for a Poster Child.  License your image and likeness now, before you hit the Gray-Bar Hotel for the next few years.  That way you'll be getting paid while you rot.

I know you are at the end of your rope, Jussie, but hang in there.  Don't beat yourself up over this.  It will all come out in the wash.  Just pick up the phone and we'll make it all go away.

Otherwise, enjoy the rent-controlled room and three free squares.  I hear the exercise yard is lovely this time of year.

Such a deal I have for you!  Operators are standing by!