Top 10 TV Series Of All Time

We are about to attempt what may be impossible: take more than 86 years of television programming and select just the 10 best series of all time.  Keep in mind, though, that one can dispense with 99.99% of it as pure crap.  We also aren't going to consider public-affair or current-event shows, like 60 Minutes or Entertainment Tonight, nor will we include late-night talk shows that infest the airwaves and offer little of unique value since Jack Paar.

At the dawn of the medium, television was hailed as a way to bring quality cultural events directly into the family living room.  Even the name "television" means "to see at a distance," allowing us immediate access to global audio and video content.  It would entertain, educate and illuminate.  It was going to turn audiences into geniuses overnight (oh yes, they said that).  Instead, it devolved into cacophonous noise half-consciously absorbed by beer-swilling couch potatoes, whose general IQs slipped, rather than rose.  With the exceptions of the Moon landings and a handful of programs (noted below), television has assiduously failed in its grand promise to elevate the general population.  As one of the greats of early television, Ernie Kovacs, famously stated, "Television is called a medium, because it is neither rare nor well done."

All of that aside, we doggedly press on in hopes of salvaging something of value from this vast cultural wasteland.  This list will have a decidedly Western cultural slant, because we've watched a lot of Asian programming and well, except for the drop-dead (unintentional) laugh factories of Thai and Indonesian soap operas, daiz slim pickin's.

Some criteria were selected to guide us:

• By definition, a show had to be created specifically for television - no movies or movie-to-teevee content, and freely available on the public airwaves, so no cable-only or pay-per-view.
• The series had to have more than one episode, but didn't necessarily have to have "seasons" or be temporally consecutive, so mini-series and shows that featured different casts and stories in each episode were allowed if they had a common framework tying everything together.
• The shows had to have exceptional writing, acting and/or other qualities, though not necessarily large budgets (very few of the really good stuff gets sufficient funding).
• The shows had to have impacted the general culture in a profound and positive way, and not just with personalities or gimmicks.
• And finally, we have to like it, since it's our list and we can do whatever we want.

Note that the years given are for the broadcast premiers.

Without further annoyance, the Top 10 Television Series of All Time!

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10. Masterpiece Theatre (1971) - Now simply called Masterpiece and split into three formats, this is one of the few shows to fully deliver on the promise of television.  The content is produced by British television networks, like the BBC and ITV, and this program amalgamates the very best programmes (sic) into a weekly presentation platform.  The long-running public television series has consistently brought the greatest cultural treasures to our living rooms, including most notably adaptations of famous novels and dramatized biographies, though its original productions are among some of the finest examples of writing and acting for the small screen, as well. The show's achievements include a staggering list of some of the finest made-for-television dramas ever produced, and its repertoire includes our #1 pick on this list.  The show's multi-decade success (no Emmy event is complete without at least one entry from Masterpiece) is a testament to the wisdom of having PBS, as well as proof that there is still intelligent life to be found in America.

9. Columbo (1971) - One of the longest-lived mystery/detective show ever created, this series almost single-handedly popularized the inverted exposition style (howcatchem vs. whodunit), while creating one of the most iconic detectives in the genre's history, including Agatha Christie's and P. D. James' master detectives.  Peter Falk's rumpled, absent-minded, cigar-champing, glass-eyed, underestimated eponymous character became one of America's favorite sleuths.  Audience's waited for the detective's signature phrase, "Oh, just one more thing," that told them he was finally ready to spring the trap and take down his opponent.  With 69 episodes over 32 years (1-1/2 to 2 hours each), Columbo is probably one of the most successful underdog sleuth shows ever (Scooby Doo excepted), with only two recurring characters, one of whom (Mrs. Columbo) is never seen or heard (we could also include his car).  The show also featured the cream of television's A-list character actors as the perps, making for some quality moments in the medium's history.

8. Saturday Night Live (1975) - Inspired by Chile's long-running Sabado Gigante, this show has been in production continuously for so many years that there are now generations of people who consider "their cast" to be the definitive one.  When we started watching, the Not Ready for Prime Time Players were the undisputed kings of late-night comedy.  Forty years and a dozen casts later, the show's format has little changed, but the faces have blurred in a rapidly revolving door to stardom.  There is no dispute that the show launched dozens of major careers, from Chevy Chase to Will Farrell, from movie spin-offs and star franchises to catch-phrases and unforgettable characters.  One is hard-pressed to think of another show that has had such a profound effect on its cultural milieu, and it shows little sign of relenting.

7. M*A*S*H (1972) - Starting just at the tail end of the Vietnam War, this eternally re-run series picked up where Robert Altman's blackly satirical film left off and took its place alongside Hogan's Heroes, F-Troop and Gomer Pyle, USMC in the war comedy genre.  However, instead of poking fun at military life in a lighthearted superficial manner, this show went straight for the heart of war itself, balancing the gallows humor with gory scenes of "meatball" surgery and the reality of human brutality.  This show arguably added to the growing anti-war movement of the time, while concurrently providing a release valve for social tensions.  The show also features fine acting by master craftsmen.  From Hawkeye's food sniffing and Blake's obsession with fishing flies, to Radar's exceptional hearing and the faceless Announcer, the characters are some of the most fully developed in television universes.  The secret of the show's long run was the way in which it put three-dimensional characters in horrific situations who protected their sanity with a barrier of humor.  After 45 years, it still works.

6. The Simpsons (1989) - There is little we can add to the great piles of writing about this world-famous, culturally significant series.  The eponymous family in this animated comedy have spent the past quarter-century lampooning and lambasting American culture.  The iconoclastic series started as a 2-minute short segment on The Tracy Ullman Show, and developed into an entire industry that has satirized so much of modern culture that it has now turned on itself, ridiculing its own success and place in the society at which it once poked unrelenting fun.  Sure, maybe its overstayed its usefulness, but few will disagree that the first ten seasons were some of the finest moments in television comedy and satire, slaughtering every sacred cow it could get its yellow, three-fingered hands on.  The show has lent characters, catch phrases and situations to our common core.  What we really appreciate about it, though, is the more you know about Western culture and history, the funnier it gets, and even if you don't get the subtler jokes, there's always the signs in the background.

5. I Love Lucy (1951) - This consistently funny series is partly notable for the creation (by Desi Arnaz) of the multi-camera production technique and the formation of Desilu Studios, which brought the world such things as Star Trek (see below) and ultimately became Paramount Television.  Real-life husband-and-wife team Desi Arnaz and Lucille Ball created one of the most enduring situation comedies of all time, still in re-runs over 65 years later, and still just as funny.  It brought the world such iconic skits as the Candy Factory, the Vita-meata-vegamin skit, and the unforgettable recreation of the Duck Soup mirror bit with Lucy and Harpo Marx performed in front of a live audience in a single take.  If you aren't laughing out loud watching these sketches, please check your pulse and call a doctor pronto!

4. The Twilight Zone (1959) - This incredible series had no single story line, no consistent characters (other than the host) and only a broad theme of irony and mystery to tie it together.  Yet, it became one of the most iconic shows in television history.  The show's opening titles, score and narration style have become synonymous with "strange."  Host Rod Serling's squinty-eyed, cigarette smoking vignettes have spawned hundreds of parodies and imitations.  The stories themselves have inspired countless other shows and spin-offs.  Each 30-minute segment was a self-contained morality play, using plot twists and reveals to jar the viewer into another dimension of thought, playing with perceptions and turning prejudices on themselves.  In the real world, the show launched dozens of careers for writers, directors and actors.  It also featured masterful performances by such craftsmen as Burgess Meredith and Robert Redford.

3. Star Trek (1966) - We started watching this show in its first season of its first run, and have dutifully gorged on nearly every iteration of it since (except for Deep Space 9 and Voyager - blah).  It spawned a dozen movies, almost as many spin-offs and reboots, and a fanatical cult following unlike any other cultural phenomenon in history (religions excepted).  This show is arguably responsible for automatic doors, cell phones, 3-D printers, Bluetooth devices, floppy disks, and piles of real-world technologies (good, bad or indifferent).  It also created cultural catch phases (Beam me up, Scotty) that are so embedded in the language that many people don't even know their origin now.  Hell, real-world spacecraft have actually been named from this show.  That's influence!  The show broke so much ground that its wake looks like a plowed field of broken taboos and cultural firsts.  If imitation and parody are measures of success, then this show is likely to be as durable as any of the classical composers, and one of the most significant cultural products of the 20th century.

2. Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) - Though comprised of only 45 episodes spread originally over three years, this series has left a massive footprint in the center of modern Western culture.  The first time we saw this show (at midnight on Saturday nights after SNL), we were left slack-jawed and completely mystified.  This show took every convention of the medium, as well as history, pop culture, politics, and daily life, and flogged them until they were minced hulks of quivering flesh.  Featuring a series of five- to seven-minute sketches tied together with non sequitur, this show has attained the position of legend and a great many people can quote entire segments verbatim, even today.  There is truly nothing like this show before or since, though it has inspired entire careers and it's own adjective (pythonesque).

1. I, Claudius (1976) - Aside from the fact that we were assigned to watch this series while studying high school Latin for two years of our miserable life, this is - without a doubt - the finest television series ever produced.  The settings are quite simple and mostly implied with audio cues, but the writing and acting is some of the finest ever to grace the boob tube.  And yes, there's plenty of boob in this show, as well (it's British you know).  Beginning with the rein of Augustus, the story follows the Roman caesars in their moral, ethical and cultural decline until the death of the title character.  By the end of the series (just 12 incredible episodes), one feels as if they are on a first-name basis with the god-kings of Rome, and can name their familial relations better than their own.  Featuring some of the most memorable performances in television history, a haunting score, and a story that puts all other soap operas to withering shame, we cannot spout enough praise for this masterpiece of the medium.  Master performances from Brian Blessed, Siân Phillips, Derek Jacobi, John Hurt, Patrick Stewart and a dozen other A-list names.  If all of television had been like this, the medium would have fulfilled its promise to entertain, educate and enlighten.  If you never watch another show on television (and you might not after this), you must put this on your list immediately, if not sooner.

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Honorable Mentions
We felt it was necessary to highlight such popular, long-running shows as Britain's Dr. Who, Chile's Sabado Gigante, and Germany's Tatort.  Each of these shows has run more than 40 years, meaning they offered something of value to audiences, and have had lasting impacts on their genres and cultures, inspiring spin-offs and imitations, though never equaled.

We should also note that Masterpiece Theatre has included some of the most respected productions of any kind for television, such as Brideshead Revisited, Upstairs/Downstairs, and The Jewel in the Crown.  We selected I, Claudius because it has the greatest appeal to large and diverse audiences, as well as a story line as timeless as the city of Rome itself.  Unlike other productions, it is distinctly less Anglo-centric and stuffy than the normal British fare.

We welcome reader comments and additions.  We try to make our criteria as objective as possible, but at some point, we have to inject our personal values into the equation.

COMMENTS

From L.K. in the US:
Since TV has gotten so bad anymore, I watch the oldies and most are on your list. My favs are Columbo and Mash.   Another one I enjoy is Murder She Wrote.

There is a program called Me TV that plays all the old situation comedies too.

I fail to see humor in most of the new shows, and I love humor. Carol Burnetts shows have always had me on the floor, with Tim Conway as the old man.

Top 10 Comedies Of All Time (film)

Believe it or not, we here on the Far Side love a good laugh.  Sure, a lot of our musings here seem a little moody and even a bit dark, but what better reason to pop in a good comedy once in a while to lighten things up!  So we decided to share some of our favorites with you as suggestions for those long rainy Saturday afternoons when a good guffaw comes in handy.

This list was a tough one.  After making our list of top comedies of all time, we had somewhere around 89 titles, and for a Top 10 list, that was just stretching it a little too far.  So we came up with some guidelines.  Even still, we couldn't get the list below 15, so we figured what the hell?  A Top 10 List of Comedies with 15 titles?  Perfect.

Shorts, like the majority of the Three Stooges filmography, were left out of this list.  They deserve one of their own, and we'll get around to it someday.  Geniuses like Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin, the bulk of whose works are silent, were left off, because again, they deserve a list of their own.  Then for folks like Monty Python, the Marx Brothers, Martin and Lewis, Abbott and Costello, and Mel Brooks, their masterworks include almost all of their output, so we had to limit ourselves to just one top pick.

Finally, we choose films that are culturally iconic, hold up to repeat viewings over long periods of time, and have had a profound impact on other films and filmmakers.  Even so, we were left with about 20 great comedies, so we flipped a coin.  The results are below, and interestingly they fell into neat sub-genres.

So without further ado, we present the Far Side List of Top 10 Comedies of All Time (film).  We added the (film) part because there are some great stage shows that deserve yet another list, which we will naturally get around to someday.

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15. She Done Him Wrong (1933) - Mae West is the undisputed Queen of Double Entendre, with lines that have become cultural catch-phrases like, "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"  Ms. West's look and voice are iconic.  Her comedies blazed the trail for talents such as Mel Brooks, Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, and Richard Pryor.  What more can you say in recommending this film?  In this diddy, Ms. West is a saloon entertainer in the 1890s, playing the field of male suitors vying for her attentions.  There are so many double meanings that you will catch something new every time you watch it.  You'll also see the inspiration for our #1 pick on this list.

14.My Favorite Year (1982) - Peter O'Toole is a washed up movie star (not an actor!) brought out of obscurity to feature on this week's installment of the Sid Caesar...oops, King Kaiser Show.  The problem is, he's never worked in front of a live audience and King's mob skit has upset the local crooked kingpin.  This one of the finest examples of situation comedy we know of.  Great set-ups, heartwarming story, and some classic lines make this film an easy choice for a date movie at home.  Snappy pacing and brilliant period sets keep the story moving at the perfect popcorn comedy.

13. Bringing Up Baby (1938) - Hepburn and Grant, with Howard Hawks in the God Seat.  This one is just brilliant.  The writing, direction, acting, and pacing make this film one of the funniest parlor comedies out there.  The one-liners come at you like a hail of machine gun rounds, with timing that is nearly perfect for the entire hour and forty minutes.  The leads never miss a beat and the iconic voices of the two stars keeps us watching again and again.  Timeless fun.

12. National Lampoon's Vacation (1983) - It was hard picking just one of National Lampoon's great comedies.  We were stuck between Animal House and Vacation, both of which have us howling out loud every time we watch them.  In the end, we chose Vacation because it so closely resembles our own real-life experiences while travelling.  The premise is a family driving vacation cross-country, in which everything (and we do mean everything) that can possibly go wrong, does.  Add to that the impeccable timing and reactions of Chevy Chase, whom we believe is one of the greatest comic talents of his generation, and you are literally exhausted from laughing by the time the credits roll.  And the jokes hold up to multiple viewings.  This is one of the few comedies that leave us in tears of joy every time.

11. Office Space (1999) - OK, we're prejudiced because Mike Judge is a Texan.  Beyond that, however, is a film about corporate drones that is both incredibly real, but presented in such a way that you will laugh till it hurts.  We all know the characters, in one form or another: the slacker, the geek, the smarmy boss, the beer-swilling neighbor.  The scene with the main characters going ape-shit on a printer is something that every one of us has wanted to do.  The weird thing about this film is that every situation seems so much like everyday life, yet when we look at it objectively, it's really hilarious.  This film will actually make you change your perspective, no matter how much you hate your job.

10. Airplane! (1980) - This is the film that launched the ZAZ empire.  It is one of the zaniest mad-cap comedies of all time.  Every visual joke, play on manners, and trope-twisting situation fills the screen the entire run time - even at the end of the credits.  At a time when disaster films were about the only thing coming out of Hollywood, this one did a full Nelson on the genre, while throwing gags out of left field in nearly every single frame.  Even after 40 years, you can still find new jokes.  Just turn off the sound and watch the backgrounds alone.  What really made this film was the sheer number of "serious" actors who turned in great comedic performances - including Leslie Nielson who went on to a second career making similar films, like the Naked Gun series.  Avoid eating or drinking during this flick, so you don't end up passing a ham sandwich through your nose.

9. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Great Nation of Kazakhstan (2006) - This flick was so off the wall that we watched it the first time in stunned awe.  It took five or six more viewings just to begin digesting what Sacha Baron Cohen had done to our psyche.  This is probably one of the most unique comedy of manners ever recorded, and what makes it so stunning is that most of the people on-screen had no idea they were being lampooned.  Even the mistakes (watch the background during the rodeo scene) are just stunningly amazing.  This film is so unique as to almost require its own category.  You feel like you've just watched a serious car wreck, but you can't help laughing at the way the bodies landed.  This masterpiece humiliated so many people that it's probably still being sued somewhere.  Even the entire nation of Kazakhstan took offense.  This one has to be watched to be believed.

8. Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964) - When you think of comedy, Stanley Kubrick is not one of the first names that come to mind, but this is by far one of the funniest films out there.  Not only is the writing terse and slick, but performances such as Peter Sellers playing three distinct characters are compelling.  This pick also belongs in the same category with Borat, since the humor just barely hides some serious issues under the surface.  But lines like, "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here.  This is the War Room!" just lay you out on the floor.  One thing to note about this film (and Kubrick's obsession) is that the US Air Force refused to allow filming in a B-52 Stratofortress, so Stanley built the set using articles and descriptions from various sources.  The USAF was reportedly upset, thinking that someone had secretly let him in to film on one of the planes, the details were so exact.

7. A Night at the Opera (1935) - The Marx Brothers are synonymous with comedy.  The painted eyebrows and mustache sported by Groucho are easily as famous as the tragedy/comedy mask symbols.  We pondered long and hard over which of their films would best represent their outstanding body of work, and this one had it all: Harpo's musical numbers, Chico's flim-flams, Groucho's eponymous looks and walk.  The only parts missing are Zeppo and Gummo.  In any case, this is a fine comedy of manners in its own right, which was the specialty of the Marx brothers.  This flick has some of the best gags and one-liners in the Marx repertoire, as well.  The "four-men-in-the-apartment" gag is one of their most famous, after the "mirror gag" in Duck Soup.  This is probably the best introduction to new viewers, and well worth revisiting for us old geezers.

6. Sleeper (1973) - Woody Allen is a problem.  He's had such a long career with so many great films, its virtually impossible to choose only one, but we managed to settle on this one.  We went with this film because it has some of his most famous gags (robot butler, balloon suit) and because it is among his less cerebral works, making it more accessible  to those not familiar with him.  This flick also falls into a category of sci-fi spoofs that has precious few good entries (see Honorable Mentions).  It makes a tidy double feature with our previous pick because of Diane Keaton's Groucho impression, as well.  Woody's films don't fit neatly into any one genre.  This selection has elements of comedy of manners and situation comedy, with a healthy dash of slapstick.  His comedies are always worth watching because he is a master of the telegraphed gag - even when you expect it, he knows how to squeeze every laugh out of the setup.

5. It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1953) - This is one of our all-time favorites.  Nearly every working comedian in Hollywood at the time is in this film, except for Zazu Pitts (and she was not happy about it).  Not only is the all-star cast of loonies amazing, but the non-stop parade of cameos, from Buster Keaton to the Three Stooges, crams every scene full of laughs.  This flick is also notable for some of the best running gags ever committed to acetate.  This is also a fine example of the epic event films popular in the early 1960s.  If you can get a copy of the complete film, it comes with overture, intermission and post-credits segments.  Another notable item is one of the best animated opening credits we have ever seen, and that includes Around the World in 80 Days and the Pink Panther series.  This is a long one, too.  Original run time is three and a half hours.  You'll need a lot of popcorn and a heating pad for the side-cramps from laughing so much.

4. This Is Spinal Tap (1984) - We have cramps in our jaw every time we watch this gem.  Not only did it practically create the genre of "mockumentary," precious few films have ever matched it for sheer lunacy.  Every single band, event, rumor, and legend in the history of rock 'n' roll is skewered here, from exploding drummers to critics to rock star peccadilloes.  And all of it is throw-away.  There's no setup and no pause for the laugh.  The visuals and lines are flashed past you so fast that the film begs to be watched a dozen times to catch everything ("C'mon people!  Mime is money!").  You have to listen to the song lyrics (actually written by Spinal Tap), read everything written on-screen, and note every single detail (cold sores).  This film is absolutely brilliant improv comedy combined with sharp, insightful writing and performances.  This flick will hold up for decades to come.

3. Best In Show (2000) - Christopher Guest, one of the star of Spinal Tap (Nigel Tufnel), and a brilliant comedic actor that almost no one knows about, until you look at his list of credits.  The reason we placed this film above Spinal Tap is that Chris took the "mockumentary" genre and went on to perfect it with several more excellent helpings, like A Mighty Wind and Waiting for Guffman.  This flick, though, is drop-dead funny.  It has some of the best running gags and off-the-wall characters seen anywhere.  On top of that, the scene with the two TV commentators will leave you gasping for breath.  By the time the film ends, you'll almost want to start watching dog shows.  Who could have ever thought such things were this funny?

2. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) - Yeah, you knew this was coming.  No list of great comedies can leave out anything by Monty Python, but much less their first film.  The Pythons began by completely rewriting to rules on TV comedy shows.  They went on to turn comedy movies upside down.  What makes this film so great is that there are layers upon layers of jokes in every scene.  Not only does this film have some of the most unique running gags ever (coconut shells), but it also has one of the most protracted setups ever recorded (swallows).  Everything, from God being a famous cricket player to the technicalities of filmmaking itself, is open to attack, and the result is brilliant.  Amazingly, everything in and around this film was set up for failure, yet the Pythons made savory lemonade from every lemon life handed them.  In the end, this is probably one of the most quoted and most re-watched films ever made, in any genre.  From the opening credits to the copyright notice, you'll be wiping tears away, as you struggle to breathe through the laughter.

1. Blazing Saddles (1974) - Mel Brooks writes, produces, directs, and stars in this greatest comedy of all time.  It was difficult to decide between this and the Pythons, because they are a pair of book ends - one American, the other British.  The deciding factor was that this film came out a year before Holy Grail.  This flick blew movie-making and story-telling right out of the water.  It also lambastes politics, religion, race, economics, gender, Hollywood, toll roads, and just about every other topic you can think of.  Absolutely nothing is sacred here.  This film is so masterful that almost every word or frame is a gag, setup or joke.  No one and nothing are left standing at the end.  When corrupt political and business interests conspire to destroy a small old west town for economic gain, they appoint a black sheriff to fill the vacancy left by a suspicious murder.  Just to make sure that positively every segment of society is properly skewered, the recruitment scene is thrown in to run down the entire list.  This movie will likely remain at the top of the list for decades to come.

Honorable Mentions: As noted, we had an original list of almost 100 films, so something had to get cut.  But we had to mention The Blues Brothers, Clerks, Galaxy Quest, and the Coen Brothers (Raising Arizona, Fargo).  There are so many classics, but these are stand-outs.

As the legendary British actor observed on his deathbed, "Dying is easy.  Comedy is hard."  Good comedy is a gift that requires rare talent and high intelligence.  It also takes smart folk to enjoy the best comedies.  These are our favorites.  How about yours?  Send us a comment with your thoughts.  And emjoy!

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Reader rights!

R.F. sent this:
Thank you for your favorite comedy choices, several of which I placed on my Netflix queue because I can't remember if I've seen them. For instance "She Done Him Wrong (1933)." As you say, comedy is a tough subject to hone in on, but you got me to thinking about a few of my own favorites. These are probably my top ten, not in order of favorite.

The Quiet Man (John Ford 1952--Maureen O'hara, John Wayne)
Dr. Strangelove (Stanley Kubrick 1964--Peter Sellers, George C. Scott)
Blues Brothers (John Landris 1980--John Belushi, Dan Aykroid)
Our Man Flint (Daniel Mann 1966--James Coburn, Lee J. Cobb)
Groundhog Day (Harold Ramis 1993--Bill Murray, Andie MacDowell)
Silver Steak (Arther Hiller 1976--Gene Wilder, Richard Pryor)
Watermelon Man (Melvin Van Peebles 1970--Godfrey Cambridge, Estella Parsons)
Jumanji (Joe Johnson 1995--Robin Williams)
Popeye (Robert Altman 1980--Robin Williams, Shelley Duvall)
Carnage (Roman Polanski 2011--Jodie Foster, Kate Winslet)

Can't argue with those choices.  Several were cut from out original list due mostly to space constraints, rather than quality of laughs.

Reader L.K. said:
best comedy right now is watching the politicians and media spin

To which replied, "That's what inspired the post!"

Earth Day - What A Joke

Whenever I think of the WWF, which is thankfully not often, I think of that brilliant scene from Monty Python's "The Life of Brian," where the Crack Suicide Squad comes running up to Brian's cross, hails him with their swords and proceeds to disembowel themselves on the spot.

It's hard to take seriously an organization who's goal is to eradicate humanity, yet are not willing to lead by example.  In fact, it is the global warmists who are some of the worst offenders, as if they want to personally push civilization over the edge to prove their point.

It seems to be a common problem with all zealots, of any stripe, that they do not follow their arguments to their logical conclusions.  There is frequently the attitude that everyone else must follow strict observance, but the zealot is exempt because they must spread the gospel.  Their minds entrap glaring non sequiturs without cognitive dissonance, as they simply ignore those facts which do not fit the model.

The Jakarta Post this morning featured two photos that supposedly demonstrated the city's commitment to fighting global warming.  The upper photo was taken a few minutes before 'Earth Hour,' showing the glaring lights of Plaza Indonesia, and the bottom photo showed the same view just after lights-out.  There was hardly a difference, as the headlights from all the cars lit up the area quite well.  Apparently, the editors did not see the irony in those photos.

By contrast, on the holiday of Nyepi in Bali, the entire island goes completely and utterly dark.  All machines, all lights and even all gas stoves are turned off for 24 hours.  The networks stop broadcasting.  People don't leave their homes.  That is an example of something that people take seriously.

Earth Day is not.

Don't get me wrong.  I fully support good stewardship.  I support farming techniques that maximize yield, while minimizing pesticides and chemical fertilizers.  Related to that, I fully support the demise of corporate farming in favor of family farms.  I fully support turning off anything that isn't being used.  I fully support walking or riding a bike for any distance under 15 minutes by foot.

I support preservation of wild areas and forests, where animals can roam unmolested and unthreatened by economic activity.  I fully support protecting species from over-hunting and exploitation by greedy commerical interests.

All of these are noble goals and well worth pursuing.  However, they require a few things in order to realize them, all of which are virtually impossible, given human nature.  In the absence of consequences, many people would throw their mothers in front of a bus to get ahead.  This is especially true in high-density, high-stress megalopolises, which are growing all over the planet.  Throughout history, people congregate in large numbers in places where commerce and opportunity concentrates.  Populations rise to unsustainable levels, and then the region collapses, causing wide-spread economic disruption and die-offs.

This result, as far as history teaches us, is inevitable.  It follows as night does the day.  It happens in bacteria colonies in Petri dishes, and it happens in human colonies on Earth.

What we need are educational efforts and promotion of technologies such as the internet and satellite communications, not asinine, half-baked turn-your-lights-off campaigns that waste time and resources to achieve nothing.  Here in Jakarta, most people were not even aware of 'Earth Hour' and didn't even know that a few lights in the city center were dimmed for a moment.  Big achievement, that.

I see that look on your face.  You're looking at me like, "OK, so what's your idea?"  Well, I'm glad you asked.  But, be warned, it ain't easy and will require a prolonged effort on the part of a few generations of humans.  But hey!, if we can waste so much time and effort of fairy-tales like 'global warming,' we can sure do something that has a real effect on the health of the planet.

First of all, the problem is not population.  It is a fact that every man, woman and child on Earth could live quite comfortably in Texas.  In fact, each person would have 1,700 square feet in which to sit down and have a decent bar-b-que dinner.  Do the math.  I assumed 7 billion people coming for dinner.  The world is more than sufficient for all the people in it.  The problem is that when you are up to your eye-balls in people in major metropolitan areas, you tend to think the world is over-populated.

The first item on the action list is to strip corporations of anything even remotely resembling human rights.  They must lose their legal status as 'person' and any and all legal protections for the people who run them.

Very simple step, very hard to achieve.  The mega-corps have become so powerful that any attempt to do this will be met with the strongest resistance.  The Boards and Execs like being able to act in the name of profit with complete impunity.  When you have that kind of power, you don't let go easily.  However, it removes the incentive to violate the lives and property of real humans by making the officers and boards personally liable for the actions of the corporations.

The next step is to expand low-impact technologies, such as the internet, which offer dual benefits.  One the one hand, it brings education and the marketplace to any location on the planet.

At this very moment, I can access tele-medicine, vast literary libraries, college lectures, and textbooks online. I can easily obtain a degree from Oxford while living in Borneo, and never have to leave my bedroom.  The global resources used are absolutely minimal.  My 'carbon footprint' is virtually nil.  And through it all, I can attend lectures, ask questions, take tests, and even receive my diploma, all with the click of a button.

As far as the marketplace, I can buy and sell just about anything I need or make, and ship it from just about anywhere I want to live to anywhere else within days.  I can compete directly and independently with any individual or entity anywhere in the world for any market, all with the click of a button.

Through the use of tele-medicine, even the most remote, Stone Age villages (like the one here at LFS headquarters) can receive treatment and advice from the most advanced medical centers in the world.  I was part of an experiment in the early 90s, in which Dr. Michael DeBakey was able to diagnose and recommend treatment for a patient 2,000 miles away, simply by using a Star Trek-looking panel which gave a full read-out on the patient, as well as 2-way video communications between all parties.  If that was possible 20 years ago, why aren't we doing it commonly now?

So, four small steps utilizing current technology, and we have eliminated a major greed factor that is destroying human beings and environments.  We have brought the best possible education to even the remotest parts of the planet.  We have reduced the need for megalopolises and democratized commerce.  And we have increased access to the latest medical services.  It only took 30 minutes to write it up, as well.

We could go further.  You wouldn't need mega-malls and mega-stores that waste resources and space, when I can shop for the same items and have them delivered in a much more efficient manner, right from my desk.  We don't need movie mega-plexes, high-rise office towers or any of the other blights associated with high-density living.  We can grow more of our own food in our remote locations.  And we can put in high-speed rail systems to quickly and comfortably whisk people into specialized areas that offer entertainment and social contact.

The biggest obstacles to this mini-utopia is government control and corporate greed.  The desire on the part of 'officials' to control and corral humans is insatiable, and the lust for profit and shiny baubles is equally so on the part of corporations.

The steps are simple and require very little in the way of additional infrastructure.  In fact, it would require less resources and be far more ecologically friendly than anything being done at the moment.  the hardest part is the change of mind.

Getting people to think differently is never easy, but my proposal is far more workable and people-friendly that anything Al Gore and the WWF can conceive of.  It is much more effective in the long-term, and saves more resources than idiotic light-dimming for an hour every year, and needs about the same amount of public awareness and information dissemination as was used to turn off a few lights for an hour.

Certainly, if the WWF chose the Python-esque route and became "crack suicide troops,' it would save vast amounts of resources and hot air that achieve nothing.

We could then use all the money and effort wasted by their spurious PR campaigns to achieve real change.  In fact, with what they spent on light-dimming, we could have built a model, high-tech, advanced society in the heart of the Amazon jungle, with all the modern conveniences, and hardly cut a single tree to do it.  We would put that money where our mouth is and show the world just how workable and sustainable a community of a few thousand could really be.

So, we must assume that either the WWF is populated by a bunch of knuckle-draggers who are so bamboozled by their own bullshit that they can't see daylight in the dessert.  Or, they are not actually trying to achieve their stated goals, and in fact are just con artists taking people's money and paying themselves outrageous salaries to get a few lights dimmed once a year.

Take your pick.

Like any good Irish-Texan, I've done my job and saved the world, yet again.  Next go 'round, elect me supreme emperor of the world so I can start putting some of this into effect.  I give you my best Obama-promise that I will do everything I say and maintain my integrity in the face of vast wealth and power.

Really.