That Dog Don't Hunt

'THE SCENE: A dark, smoke-filled room with a large round table in the center. The only illumination is a large fixture over the center of the table. The scene opens as the camera tracks around the table giving us head shot after head shot while the credits and music roll. All the characters are revealed to be military types or businessmen in suits. They are looking at each other as if waiting for something. Finally, the camera pauses on a two-shot with a door framed between the two men. The door opens just then and a dark figure is silouetted there. The figure speaks --

FIGURE: How trite. A smoke-filled room. At least have someone smoking so it's motivated, you know. OK, so what's the job? I don't have a lot of time here. I'm due in Cannes in two weeks for the opening of my latest feature.

HE STEPS INTO THE LIGHT AND REVEALS THAT IT'S DUSTIN HOFFMAN REPRISING HIS ROLE AS 'STANLEY MOTSS' FROM 'WAG THE DOG.'

STANLEY: So what is it this time? Need to get into Iran, right? Taken long enough. You guys just can't put on a good war without me, can you?

GENERAL 1: Please sit down, Mr. Motss. We have a lot of work to do.

STANLEY: Maybe it's work for you, but ideas just fall out of my head, you know. That last performance I put together for you guys was Oscar, I'm telling you. One of my best pieces. I shoulda gone public. I could be retired by now.
//
GENERAL 2: Mr. Motss, nothing we say here can ever see the light of day. If you so much as blog a word of this, we'll...

STANLEY: No need for threats, baby. I know the drill. I want $20 mil. Half up front, half on completion. Deal?

BUSINESSMAN 1: Already in your account, Mr. Motss. Now please, sit.

STANLEY: Oh yeah? (HE CONSULTS HIS BLACKBERRY FOR A MOMENT) I'll be damned. Wish you boys would do that with my open projects. (HE SITS) Now, what's the deal? My head is swimming wiht ideas and I need to give birth soon, before cocktail hour.

PRESIDENT: Mr. Motss, I need a crisis. My poll numbers are falling, my presidency is on the rocks, and I need the same boost as Reagan got from Challenger, or Clinton got from OKC, or my predicesssor got from 9/11. In shot, I need a miracle.

STANLEY: Miracle? Did I just hear miracle? You've come to the right guy, then. miracles are my trade, baby. I feel a couple of miracles coming on right now. I feel like Benny Hinn. Quick, give me a scenario here.

GENERAL 1: We need a domestic terror event, Mr. Motss. Are you familiar with the Northwoods Document?

STANLEY: Familiar? I practically wrote it, sweetheart. That whole false flag thing, it's just like my third film, "Lips That Lie." That one should have gotten a Globe, I'm telling ya. It was all politics...

GENERAL 2: Mr. Motss, we need s single event that can be blamed on any group we like, even opposing groups. They must be home-grown and it must achieve these goals. (HE PUSHES A PIECE OF PAPER ACROSS THE TABLE)

STANLEY (TAKING THE PAPER AND READING): Hmmm...you want a job on a member of congress and possibly two officials. OK, I can see that. You want to trash left and right extremists, get some gun control through, kill opposition to the health care law, and cause a craxk-down on free speech and the internet. I'm with you. I'm getting a picture now. Hang on...

HE PAUSES WHILE HE THINKS. THE SHOTS CUT BACK AND FORTH AROUND THE ROOM.

BUSINESSMAN 2: And one more thing, it needs to take attention off the economy so we can crash the markets and blame it on terrorism.

STANLEY: Oh, like 9/11. That was a beautiful piece of work, by the way. Who cut that one together. I want to work with him. I bet we...

GENERAL 1: Mr. Motss, can you do this?

STANLEY: Do it?! Are you kidding? I've already got your miracle, baby. Listen to this: first, we get that congresswoman down in Arizon, the one that really supported health care?

PRESIDENT: Giffords.

STANLEY: That's her! It's beautiful. She's a democrat, so we can blame it on Tea Partiers. She promoted health care, so we can use it to shut down the opposition. She's married to an astronaut, so we can use that. Nice symbolism.

CUT TO REACTION SHOTS. THE MEAN AT THE TABLE ARE NODDING APPRECIATIVELY.

GENERAL 1: Who's the trigger man?

STANLEY: Who do ya got at central casting? C'mon, we're buring daylight here.

THE GENERAL SLIDES A PILE OF FILE FOLDERS OVER TO STANLEY. HE BEGINS TO LOOK THROUGH THEM. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS, HE BEGINS TO CHUCKLE, THEN LAUGH OUT LOUD.

STANLEY: You gotta be kidding, right? This is just too perfect! If I can't get DiCapprio, then this guy is my second cast. I mean, even his last name is Loughner! Where'd you get this one?

GENERAL 2: He's one of our cradle-to-gravers. Been working on him since he was 5 months old.

STANLEY: Beautiful! You guys would be geniuses if you just had my style. Know what I'm saying? OK, here's your scenario...this guy posts a couple of lame YouTube videos, but get this, Giffords is a member of his channel, right? That will keep the conspiracy nuts going for years. Now, we get her in front of the people, old fashioned, you know, a town haller, but out in the open...I've got it! We take her down in the Safeway parking lot! Safeway! Don't you love it? Now, he opens up with a Glock sub and a large capacity mag, so that gets your gun control cooking. Hunt down a sheriff for me. Arizona's full of 'em. I need a kook who likes to shoot off his mouth.

GENERAL 2: I we've got just what you're looking for.

STANLEY: Excellent! This'll be shooting fish in a barrel. Now, here's the tricky part. I need some classmates to say Loughner is a left-winger, so we can play both sides against the middle.

BUSINESSMAN 3: I'm sure we can arrange that.

STANLEY: Great! I love you guys! Better than Paramount on payday around here! Now, I need just that Stanley Motss touch. I need the cherry on my sundae...I've got it! One of the victims is a young girl, say 9 or 10, who was born, are you ready for this?, on 9/11! It's hot, I tell you! This'll ice 'em down at NBC! They'll eat it up like bums on sirloin, I tell ya.

THE CAMERA PANS THE TABLE AND THE PARTICIPANTS ARE NODDING IN APPROVAL.

STANLEY: Now, prez baby, you'll need to get right down there, of course. Comfort the family and take charge, that sort of thing. I'll put the A-unit with you to get some prime footage for the history books. I'm thinking a rating around 85%, maybe better. We'll see how well you play it.

PRESIDENT: I knew we could count on you.

STANLEY: You sure I can't squeeze a little Iran action out of it? Maybe some letter bombs to high-ranking officials with 'Iran' written all over them? We could kill a dozen birds with one stone here.

GENERAL 1: Do it. We'll hold that one as a hole card in case the main event goes south on us.

STANLEY: So what's the budget here? 10? 30?

BUSINESSMAN 1: Sky's the limit.

STANLEY: I love you, you know that. I wish all my gigs were this sweet. I got a property for ya. Maybe we can talk after we wrap this one?

BUSINESSMAN 2: I think we can do that.

STANLEY: Fantastic boys! So, get me a bottle of brandy, a couple of cartons of cigarettes and, oh, two slim assistants. Say 18? 19? C'mon guys! I don't have all day here.