An Asian Driver's Manual

READER NOTE: In our never-ending quest to get away from the Googles and Twitters of the world, we invite you to visit our new Steemit page, where we get paid every time your read and upvote one of our posts.  We are also shifting from Twitter to GAB.  We are already posting more and more unique content on those sites.  Please consider following us into the brave new frontier of free-speech internet...the way it used to be.  Sampai jumpa, y'all!

What follows is a painstaking list of rules for driving in Asia.  Please note that we have researched these rules by comparing observations with other ex-pats living in Asia to ensure this is the most accurate list of driving instructions possible.  Remember that your survival may depend on absolute adherence to these rules, no matter how much they defy logic or the Laws of Physics.  You have been warned:

1) Begin honking your horn at 2-second intervals from the moment you start your engine until the moment you arrive at your destination.  If you encounter a red light - where drivers actually stop - activate the horn non-stop until traffic moves again, then return to the 2-second intervals.  Traffic will not move...ever...unless you follow this rule to the letter.

2) Since the horn is effectively useless for anything other than letting other drivers know you are behind the wheel, flash your headlights to inform pedestrians and smaller vehicles that you are plowing through and have absolutely no intention of stopping, nor even slowing down to examine the corpses in your wake.

3) When driving, mash the accelerator to the floor for 3 seconds, then coast for 7 seconds.  Repeat this process until all passengers are vomiting, or you have reached your destination - whichever comes first.  This will save copious amounts of fuel by not using the engine for 7 out of every 10 seconds.  If you have an automatic transmission, this process is best achieved by alternately pumping the gas and brake using both feet.

4) DO NOT under any circumstances observe any road markings of any kind for any reason.  Even on an empty road (normally found from 3am to 3:30am on Sunday mornings), you must straddle the lane markings, speed up for pedestrian crossings and never move into an exit lane until the very last possible moment.

5) It is strictly prohibited to allow anyone or anything to get in front of you, even in the most freakish traffic jams.  Police will often check this rule by attempting to slide a piece of paper between your bumper and the car in front of you.  If the paper passes easily, you will be sorely punished.

5a) As long as you are following rules 1-4 properly, do not worry about any carnage or destruction you cause, as everyone was properly warned by your horn, flashing lights and peddle-pumping.  Besides, the other guy wasn't following the road markings, right?

6) When passing other vehicles on narrow mountain roads, always wait for the blind hair-pin turns to launch your assault.  Don't worry about oncoming vehicles, since your are sounding your horn and flashing your lights according to the rules.  This rule especially applies to tour buses that are entirely too big for the turns.

7) At no time are your to look in the direction in which your vehicle is moving.  Driving is the only time you really have for detailed discussions with your passengers, quality time with your kids and catching up on social media.  A number of cheap devices are now easily available to mount your electronics on the dash in your direct line of sight so you can get instant updates from Facebook and Twitter while driving.  Under no circumstances are you ever to use hands-free devices!

8) When calculating your travel time, be sure to add 1 hour for every 1 kilometer of distance.  If it is raining, which it does for 6 months of the year, add an extra hour per kilometer.

9) DO NOT EVER take the shortest route to your destination, as the Laws of Asian Physics state that this is the longest possible travel time.  Always plan your route to take the most convoluted, indirect and mind-bogglingly complex path to your destination, as this will involve the shortest possible travel time.  Be aware that, contrary to reason, it is often faster to go 5 kilometer in the wrong direction before turning around.  Remember: neither time and space, nor cause and effect have any relationship in Asia.  Interestingly, WAZE has incorporated this rule into its route-fining app.  Google, however, has not.

10) Police are useless eaters in Asia who want nothing more than a hand-out (bribe).  Ignore them completely, especially when they are trying to pull you over or escort some bloated, obnoxious VIP through traffic.  You are also required to block all possible paths through traffic when an emergency vehicle is behind you.

11) Refueling is one of the most joyful and exciting aspects of driving in Asia.  For this reason, it is best to set aside an entire day for this blessed activity.  Be sure to bring a picnic lunch and ensure your electronic devices are fully charged.   If for some incomprehensible reason queuing in the forecourt of the local petrol station is not your thing, then look for the 2 Western stations (usually Shell) in the country.  They will be more expensive (because they don't water the fuel), but the lines are usually 5-7 hours shorter.

12) DO NOT under any circumstances work on your own car, even things as simple and mindless as changing the oil.  For one thing, there are NO auto parts stores in Asia, so good luck finding the various tools, fluids and filters necessary to complete the most basic tasks.  Second, the neighbors will be mystified that you can do such amazing things, and will think you are a wizard and show up at your door with pitchforks and torches.  Third, the local mechanics will form a lynch mob and beat the crap out of you for taking food out of their children's mouths.

13) There are no annual safety inspections in most Asian countries, and where they do have them, you can just pay cash and pass on through.  Therefore, you take your life in your hands just stepping out the front door, much less getting on the road in any type of vehicle.  Not to worry, though, as long as the horn and at least one headlight are functioning.

14) When you buy a new vehicle, immediately have those comfy, cushy cloth-covered seats that don't burn your butt after several hours in the sun covered with cheap, hand-stitched Naugahyde so everyone will think you are a big shot with rich Corinthian leather seats.  Immediately after that, have ALL the windows (yes, windscreen too) tinted limousine black, first so the beggars and vendors that swarm in every traffic jam can't see in, and second so you don't have to see the rabble as you plow into the traffic ahead of you (especially at night).

15) Whenever you execute a turn, be sure to move to the side of the road farthest from the direction you want to turn (far right lane for a left turn, etc.).  Don't worry, because everyone in the opposite lane wants to turn in front of you.  Use your horn and headlights copiously if anyone gets in your way.

16) This rule only applies to MOTORCYCLES, which are basically 96.728 of all vehicles on the road in Asia (4.322 are hand-carts and rickshaws, and 1.651 are cars - see Laws of Physics).  If you are using a motorcycle, absolutely none of the above rules apply to you.  In fact, no rules whatsoever apply to you.  You are free to do anything you want, including driving on sidewalks, pedestrian bridges and playgrounds.  One of the primary benefits of a motorcycle is that they are the only vehicles allowed at the front of the line at red lights (when drivers actually stop for them).

17) Finally, no matter how bad the noxious fumes are inside your car, DO NOT open the windows, as it is 24.358 times worse outside - especially when you are behind one of the luxurious modern public transit options available all across Asia.  By the way, the thick blue clouds of smoke coming out of those luxurious modes of public transportation are caused by using cheap kerosene instead of gasoline.  Remember this nifty trick if you are ever low on cash and need to buy fuel for your car.

So that's it for driving in Asia.  For those with questions concerning navigation in Asia, we refer you to Chaos Theory, Mandelbrot Fractals and the Butterfly Effect.  One rule to keep in mind in this regard is, "You can't get there from here."

We wish you all the best on your Asian surviv...er, journey, and remember, the Red Cross is available for any emergency, not just scatter bombs and white phosphorous. 

Bon Chance!

A Taste Of The Far Side

UPDATE: Ahok found guilty, sentenced to 2 years in prison.  Ahok files immediate appeal to Constitutional Court.  Governor-elect Anies trying to take over office 6 months early.

It's an interesting time to live in Indonesia.  The largest Muslim country on Earth by population is undergoing a self-examination, with full knowledge that this nation is composed of vast numbers of wildly different cultures (all indigenous) and the only way to hold it together is to ensure they all are equal.  In other words, just because the majority believes one thing doesn't mean every must, and the minority must be protected.  In other words, a republican form of social order.

Indonesia shares a lot of political philosophy with the founding ideals of the United States.  The national motto is Bhinneka Tunggal Ika, which is the Jawa Halus version of E Pluribus Unam.  If you don't read Javanese or Latin, it translates as "Unity in Diversity."  The Pancasila, or "Five Points," constitute the national ideals.  They can be summed up as:

1. One Nation under God
2. Equal Protection of the Law
3. Allegiance to the Flag
4. The Republic for which it Stands
5. Liberty and Justice for

Despite these espoused ideals, the governor of Jakarta has been on trial for "blasphemy" for the past several months, and was soundly defeated in the recent election, because he is of Chinese descent, a Christian, and dared to quote al-Qur'an while giving a talk.

What, you might rightly ask, did Ahok say about al-Qur'an that could land him in jail for the next 2 to 5 years?  It must have been a terrible thing to be called blasphemy, right?

Well, basically he quoted a verse that forbids Muslims from submitting to religious oversight by "infidel" faiths.  Ahok pointed out that it says nothing about politics, and that religion and politics should be separate entities.  A video of the talk was edited to twist the context and quote, making it appear that Ahok had insulted al-Qur'an and used its words in a profane manner.

During the trial, the editor admitted he deliberately twisted the words, the head of the Ministry of Religion (MUI) testified that Ahok did not blaspheme, and a number of academics said that Ahok's interpretation was more or less correct.

Yet, the trial has been used by extremist groups seeking to overthrow the administration of the current president Joko Widodo (a populist) and install someone much friendlier to military authority, all in the name of battling "communism".

It's all terribly complex, so please read Peter Levenda, Joseph Farrell and Allan Nairn for perspective and context.

You are probably asking what any of this has to do with readers in the Western hemisphere.  Well...

Joko Widodo and Ahok were elected together as Governor and Vice Governor of Jakarta back in 2012, as populist reformers.  In fact, they were along the leading edge of the Populist Wave that eventually elected Trump and most recently ended in France (we'll see what South Korea does today).  In 2014, Jokowi was elected president and Ahok took over as governor to finish out the term

Even more interesting are the connections that Donald Trump has to all this mess, and Allan Nairn's article sheds some interesting light on the subject.

No matter what happens today, all hell will likely break loose.  The bought-and-paid-for protesters will not be wasted.  If Ahok is convicted, he will likely get probation and the protesters will riot because he didn't go to jail.  If Ahok is not convicted, they will riot because he will be seen as having OJ-Simpson-ed.  Either way, the Powers That Be will get their way.

The spooky parallels and ties between the United States and Indonesia are numerous.  In many ways, Indonesia is like a photographic negative of the US.  Then there are the similarities with the motto, Pancasila and the eagle mascot.  The rabbit hole, however, only starts there.

Stand by.  Indonesia is yet another battle ground in the Globalist war on People Power, and they cannot afford to allow Indonesia - a strategically rich target - to go down the path of true independence.

The fun starts now.

Slanting Toward The East

The other day, I came across a video of a guy running from police using a motorcycle.  The commentators are breathless talking about how unsafe the driver is, weaving in and out of traffic.  I laughed hysterically.  He is driving far better than what I consider everyday driving in Jakarta.  The Indonesian word for "weaving in and out" is nyelip-nyelip, and it is the reason why people use motorcycles in Jakarta.  Asian drivers are, by comparison to US drivers, completely bat-s**t crazy.

Let me just emphasize that life in Asia is BAT-S**T CRAZY.

Not that I'm complaining.  I'm one of those people who likes a little anarchy with my coffee.  Western civilization is just too regimented and regulated for my tastes.  I'm one of those people who, if there was a still a frontier, I would be on the next train out.  Not that I am all against a little routine, but I just can't abide having to walk on eggshells lest I "trigger" someone or step ever-so-slightly outside the "legal" boundaries.

Living in Indonesia means that I can get my fill of city life and then take a short jaunt into the jungle and live completely by my wits.  I love camping, hiking and anything where I pretty much make my own rules, though I am always careful to respect my surroundings and those who will follow later.

In my experience, Westerners who live in Asia do so for the simple reason that life is freer.  There aren't so many rules about what you can and can't say or do.  It's a much more relaxed way of life with a stronger sense of live and let live.  Kind of like Texas used to be before all the Yankees took over.

I say Westerners who live here, because it's not something readily apparent to a tourist.  It takes time to expand and figure out where the new boundaries are.  Some people can't handle it and run screaming for the exit after a couple of weeks.  They realize fairly quickly that imposing one's rules on those around you doesn't fly here, and those used to having their lives regimented to the tiniest detail are fearful of having too much responsibility laid on them.

I often wonder is the Western mentality is what drove people to leave and colonize.  Certainly, North America attracted thousands escaping the severe lock-step mentality of European culture.  There's a certain type of European - and by that I mean Americans as well - that craves being left the hell alone.

Unfortunately, once these folks set up housekeeping, the busy-bodies come right behind and start dictating rules again.  That's what drove the American expansion across the western half of the continent.  The free spirits went out ahead to get away from the hive mentality, but were quickly overwhelmed by the hive once things were tidy and operating smoothly.

Asia is definitely unusual for most Westerners.  When someone is fat, you call them fat.  When they are crippled, you call them crippled.  There is neither political correctness nor euphemistic language.  People talk plainly and do pretty much as they please, and by extension, allow others the same courtesy.

It's the "liberal" western mentality that drives so many people to leave the West and come East.  I put "liberal" in quotes because the root comes from the Latin for "free," and having a small group of people dictating what one can think and say is definitely NOT free.  Nor is forcing someone else to accept one's own idea of "free."  Free is the ability to think, say and do whatever one pleases, especially within the domain in which one lives.

Almost to a soul, the Westerners I meet who live in Asia talk about the freedom here.  As long as I don't push, no one will push back.  If I don't try to force someone to believe what I believe, then I am pretty much free to believe it.  Very simple, clear rules.

Granted, there is a spectrum of freedom in Asia.  Each of the vast number of cultures here have their boundaries, but they are broad and not overly enforced, and certainly no one will take you to court for what you believe.  /The point where you got spanked is when you overstep propriety or start proselytizing.  Up to that point, you might get a sidelong glance or raised eyebrows.

Western intolerance is not a new phenomenon.  It dates back centuries.  Between religions and politics, the West has always been ready to force compliance with the ruling dogma.  It shows up in culture, science, personal relationships, and a dozen other more subtle ways.

Some Westerners, steeped in Western propaganda, will likely take umbrage with these statements.  I will likely get a flood of email telling me what an insensitive jerk I am, or how I don't know what I am talking about.  I suspect those are the people who would run for the exit here, being terrified of the sudden release of constant pressure to conform.

I am well aware that the East considers the West to be far too open, and the West considers the East to be far too rigid, but having lived in both places, I feel confident in my statement that the East is more free and less rigid - and yes, that includes mainland China.

I realize that I am speaking in gross generalizations here.  I could write books on comparative cultures across Asia and the world.  I know full well that Japanese culture is very rigid, and Korean culture is very regulated and Thai culture is pretty much wide open unless you insult the king.  However, when it comes to being able to have one's own beliefs and the ability to speak openly about them, Asia beats the West by a mile.

Yes, speech is only one of many individual freedoms, but it is the most important.  The ability to speak one's mind without reprisal is a hallmark of liberty.  Perhaps it is that Asian culture is far older and more mature than Western.  Perhaps it is just that no one cares or wants to humiliate in public.  Whatever the reason can be debated for hours on end.  Whatever way you want to slice it, I would much rather live bat-s**t crazy.