Going Slow While Fasting

It's another day in paradise, here in the jungles of Southeast Asia.

Every single freakin' one of the 40 million vehicles registered in Jakarta was in front of me this morning.  I even made a 7a meeting appointment in hopes of beating the rush, to no avail.

Adding to the mayhem is the month of Ramadhan.  So not only are there 40 million vehicles in front of me, they are full of hungry, thirsty people who woke up at 3a to have breakfast before the fasting began.  And this is only the first week.  By the end of the month, people start getting suicidal on the roads.  Half the population of Jakarta are in a fasting, sleep-deprived coma through most of the day.

If you are not familiar with Islam and the fasting month, allow me to regale you.

For 29 days (one lunar month) out of each year, a Muslim (one who follows Islam) is required to go from sun up to sun down without food or drink.  This includes not swallowing your own saliva, which I assume includes someone else's, as well.

Restaurants cover the windows with drapery, the beer cooler is covered and locked at the store, and a great number of folks wake up before dawn to stuff themselves before the morning call to prayer at about 4:15a.

Those bars that still open during the month serve booze in tea cups, so as not to offend, though my question is if a devout Muslim is fasting, what the hell are they doing in a bar in the first place to get offended.  But I suppose that is one of those things that requires logic.

This continues throughout the month until near the end, when folks start getting a glazed, haunted look in their eyes.  Even the mention of common food-related molecules can start an uncontrollable slavering fit and folks can actually get angry at the rest of us who aren't fasting, just because we don't look haunted and desperate.

All of this suffering culminates in the Eid al-Fitr (Arabic) or Idul Fitri (Indonesian).  This literally means "Feast of the Break-fast."  This year, it will fall on July 6, I think.  Hard to tell.  There's an entire government ministry here who's primary concern is the exact moments that fasting begins and ends.  Like all government bureaucracies, they enjoy keeping people hanging on their every belch and twaddle,

Anyway, Idul Fitri starts the feasting of all feasting around here.  It's a lot like a combination of Thanksgiving and Christmas, with millions of folks bugging out and going home to enjoy massive feasts with friends and family for anywhere from two days to two weeks.  Depends on how much money they get in gifts.  More money = longer vacation.

The upside is that Jakarta becomes a ghost town for a week or so.  Virtually the entire population of 12 million vanishes overnight, leaving the city dark and quiet.  Suddenly, destinations that took well over an hour to get to only take 20 minutes.  The damnedable part is that nothing is open during that week, so just when you can actually get around, there's no around to get to.

The worst part about Ramadhan is about 6p every evening, when the mosques start belting out the evening call to pray, hordes (and I use that term advisedly) of people pour out of buildings, cars and any other containment device and head directly to the nearest source of food and water.  This means that just when folks are the most hungry, the most thirsty, most tired, and most motivated to get somewhere, the roads become a vast stagnant lake of shiny metal bugs.  The usual nasty traffic is further bunged up with the piles of people and conveyances parked in front of any place selling water and snacks.

So if you happen to run into someone this month who looks like they've just stared into the abyss and seen the end of the Universe, they are probably fasting.  Might want to give them a break and not eat in front of them, or at least be prepared to put a drip bucket under them.

It reminds me a lot of the old days when Catholics used to practice their religion.  Remember that?  It was hard to find beef on Fridays, or there were lots of specials on fish and chicken?  Back when Catholic kids gave up chocolate for 40 days, or smokers didn't smoke in front of each other (kind of like Baptists and drinking alcohol).  Yup, a lot like those old days of yore. Once upon a time, there was a whole industry built up over Lent.  Only us old geezers remember those days, I suppose.  Of course, Ramadhan is not quite like that.  The Muslims try to make everyone else fast too, so they don't have to suffer watching everyone else have fun.  The Catholics, on the other hand, had to watch the steak houses in full swing and smell that lovely aroma wafting on the spring breeze, or the non-Catholic kids eating chocolate any damn time they wanted.

Ain't religion grand?

Nihil Novi Sub Sole

Yup, nothing new under the sun.

Once upon a time, there was a great stand-up philosopher (sorry Mel) by the name of Tom Lehrer. He was known for putting complex ideas into simple, and hilarious, focus. Exemplii gratis:

Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics,
And the Catholics hate the Protestants,
And the Hindus hate the Muslims,
And everybody hates the Jews.

But during National Brotherhood Week, National Brotherhood Week,
It's National Everyone-smile-at-one-another-hood Week.
Be nice to people who
Are inferior to you.
It's only for a week, so have no fear.
Be grateful that it doesn't last all year!

I used to live in a predominantly Jewish country (Merica), but now I live in a predominantly Islamic country. So I think that gives me a rather good perspective when it comes to today's topic: Ramadan.

Before I start my rant, I just want to say that I have no horse in this race. What my beliefs are, are strictly my own. From what I see, all major religions have, at their cores, the same ideology and more or less the same roadmap to getting There. They all preach love, peace and brotherhood at the point of a sword, as far as I can see (with the possible exception of Buddhists). They all idolize one or two people who achieved apotheosis using their roadmap. They all sponsor a priefcraft and have secret rituals and handshakes to distinguish themselves from the Others.

For the sake of disclosure, I was raised Roman Catholic (different from those Other Catholics), and they worship a guy who is God On Earth through the sacriment of pedophilia. You can see why I got out of that one.

Anyway, I am happy to let everyone believe as they please as long as they don't force it on me. For that reason, I take some exception with groups who aggressively try to make me see their basic goodness. I have been to churches, temples, synagogues, and mosques. I have listened to the arguments and I have a few good ones myself. As far as I can see, they all exist for two reasons: to take your money, and to convert more pockets.

With all that being said, I find Islam to be one of the noisiest religions around. During most of the year, the local masjid broadcasts the prayers and sermons from loudspeakers six times a day, beginning at the crack of dawn and going until sundown. However, during Ramadan, there is a new level of noise that is positively off the scale.

Don't get me wrong. Christians are pretty darned noisy. At their quietest, the churches ring bells during the day, but somehow that just doesn't rise to the level of off-key, half-asleep croaking voices amped to Kingdom Come and bellowing at 4 a.m. for half an hour every day. And yes, there are the Benny Hinns and Pat Robertsons who worship the god Media, and its Only Begotten Son, Wealth. They are a noisy lot, but they come with an off-switch, or at least you can change the channel, because most folks have long since forgotten there is an off-switch.

Jews are pretty danged noisy, as well. When no one pays attention to the them or thinks their whole 'Holocaust' thing is wearing thin, they start lobbing bombs around. They also innundate Merican media. You can't watch a single show without a token Jew making self-depreciating jokes. But, I have never found anything quite like Islam.

What brings all this up, besides my profound lack of sleep right now, is that Ramadan began yesterday, and in a country composed of about 80% muslims, that means we are all part of the fun. Why, just last night, there was a quiet parade of drummers through the neighborhood at 2:30 a.m., chanting and banging up and down the alleyways. Just as I was dozing again, the loudspeaker came alive, though the voice on it sounded like he could use a little sleep, as well. That was followed by the 5 a.m. round, which will be followed in turn every two hours today, and repeat again tonight for the next 30 days.

I'm all for fasting and purification. Do it myself, but I keep it to myself. The Christians have Lent, which is basically the same thing, but it's up to the individual and they don't spend a lot of effort telling everyone about it. Heck, here the restaurants cover their windows during the day with curtains and people avoid eating and drinking in public. Even bars, where no self-respecting muslim should be anyway, they serve in coffee mugs this month, in case the door should open and a thirsty muslim should happen to catch a glimpse inside. All they would see is a bunch of people sipping tea.

If you want an idea of what it's like, go into a traditional Catholic church on Good Friday and notice all the idols are covered in purple cloth. Now imagine that throughout an entire country, only with food.

Jakarta is pretty cosmo, so there's still pockets of normalcy around, but places like Aceh are off the scale. There, the police go around and check that NO ONE is eating or preparing food before sundown. If they find someone eating, they check your ID. If you are muslim, Allah help you. If you are some other word, they tell you to beat it. Outside the big city, most food places just shut down during the day. There are a precious few where you can get some vittles and the way you tell is by looking at the door. If it is just slightly ajar, you can grab a bite there.

Here's how it works. Muslims begin fasting with the helical New Moon using some ancient formula to calculate the month. By the Gregorian calendar, that month changes each year, but it's generall around the second half of the year. From the minute the sun peeks over the horizon (you know all those minarets around mosques...yeah) until it sets again, the muslim may not eat or drink for 30 days. That extends to swallowing your own saliva.

In practice, that also means that no one else may eat or drink either, since they don't want to see the rest of us enjoying our lives at this time of solemnity. The whole thing culminates with Idul Fitri, which I'll get to in about 28 days.

It makes teaching just a little challenging. I usually keep a bottle of water handy, because when you talk for 8 to 10 hours a day, you need a little lubrication. I have to invent all sorts of novel ways to drink without drinking. Also, you are facing a room full of kids who, well you know the Roadrunner cartoons where Coyote looks at him and he turns to a well-roasted and garnished dish? You get the idea.

And yes, even kids are expected to follow the program. Not to mention, we are all seriously sleep-deprived, so if I manage to say something coherent, the chances are it doesn't stick to anything in the audience.

So, to say I am a little annoyed as I write this should be, at the least, understandable. I like my sleep and I like to eat and drink and be merry (if at all possible). Islam was forced on Indonesia a few hundred years ago by Arab invaders, so it's not like it's a home-grown religion or something. Granted, I could live with the Hindus in Bali or the Christians in Sulawesi or central Sumatra, or I don't have to live here at all. For the that reason, I just keep my mouth shut and do as the Romans. To each their own.

What's interesting to me, though, is that even though everyone is supposedly fasting, the parade of food vendors continues, even now, hawking bread and soup and vegetables. It reminds me of an anecdote from years ago in another lifetime.

I had gone to a cousin's wedding, who happened to be Baptist. I was joined by my rather brash Wife #2. At the reception, she rather loudly queried, "What? No beer?" To which my aunt replied, "Honey, we're Baptists. We don't drink in front of each other."

And that pretty much sums up how I see the whole religion thing.

I do have one last point though. What is it with Jews and Muslims? They both regard Abraham as the father of their peoples (OK, different sons, but c'mon), they both have elaborate genital mutilation rituals (circumcision), they both wear beanies and shawls to pray, and they both shun pork and other critters as food. In fact, about the only substantial difference is the name of God/Allah/Yahweh. So for that reason alone, the rest of the world has to put up with all the saber-rattling and name-calling. Can't we all just get along?

As John Cleese might say at this point, "And now for something completely different."